royal caribbean cruise ship room layout

Royal Caribbean cruise ship cabin and suite guide: Everything you want to know

Picking a cabin on a Royal Caribbean ship can be a daunting task.

For starters, there is an eye-popping number of cabins available on many Royal Caribbean ships. The line is known for operating the world's biggest cruise vessels — ships so big that some have nearly 3,000 cabins each.

But it's not just the sheer volume of cabins that makes picking a room on a Royal Caribbean ship challenging. It's also the number of cabin categories.

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On some Royal Caribbean ships, there are as many as 34 different types of cabins — each a little different than the last.

The backstory here is that Royal Caribbean ships are designed to appeal to a wide demographic, including travelers with varying budgets. That prompted Royal Caribbean to offer a wide mix of cabin types.

The line offers rooms that range from relatively low-cost, windowless "inside" cabins measuring just 149 square feet (perfect for the budget traveler) to massive, multi-room suites that can be more than 10 times that size.

A Royal Caribbean cabin primer

Like many other cruise ships, Royal Caribbean vessels offer cabins in four broad categories: windowless inside cabins, ocean-view cabins, balcony cabins and suites.

On the newer Royal Caribbean ships, the vast majority of the cabins are balcony cabins. Over the years, cruise lines have discovered that cruisers will pay a significant premium to have a balcony with their cabin, prompting a rush to add more balcony cabins to ships.

Related: The 5 best cabin locations on any cruise ship

For instance, on Royal Caribbean's four-year-old Symphony of the Seas , 65% of the 2,759 cabins are balcony cabins; the next-largest category of cabins are inside cabins followed by ocean-view cabins and suites. Here's the exact breakdown:

• Inside cabins: 599 (22%).
• Ocean-view cabins: 176 (6%).
• Balcony cabins: 1,796 (65%).
• Suites: 188 (7%).

There are far fewer balcony cabins on older Royal Caribbean ships (and all older cruise ships in general). Only 12% of the cabins on Royal Caribbean's oldest vessel, the 1996-built Grandeur of the Seas, are balcony cabins.

Inside cabins and ocean-view cabins make up the majority (78% in total) of cabins on Grandeur of the Seas. Suites account for 9% of the cabins on the ship. Here's the exact breakdown:

• Inside cabins: 399 (40%).
• Ocean-view cabins: 381 (38%).
• Balcony cabins: 122 (12%).
• Suites: 94 (9%).

The takeaway here is that you'll have a tougher time locking down a balcony cabin on an older Royal Caribbean ship than on a newer vessel. If you're planning a cruise on one of the line's older vessels and a balcony cabin is a must, you'll want to book early to ensure you get one.

You'll also want to book early if you're aiming for a suite. An old saw in the cruise industry is that "ships sell from the top and the bottom." That is, the first cabins on any vessel to sell out are the most-expensive cabins, which are the suites, and the least-expensive cabins, which typically are the inside cabins. The "middle" sells last.

Related: The ultimate guide to Royal Caribbean

You'll find multiple subcategories within each of the four broad categories of cabins on Royal Caribbean ships. Symphony of the Seas, for instance, has 15 different types of suites alone; suites range from a junior suite with a balcony (Category J3) that measures 287 square feet to a Royal Loft Suite (Category RL) that measures five times that amount.

If you count two types of Symphony of the Seas suites that come in two versions — a standard version and a slightly altered, "accessible" version — there are actually 17 different categories of suites on the vessel.

Royal Caribbean cabins generally have a modern look with clean lines and contemporary furniture, plus lots of storage cleverly worked into the design.

Inside cabins on Royal Caribbean ships

Inside cabins are designed for passengers on a tight budget. On Royal Caribbean ships, these rooms are almost always the least-expensive option when booking a cabin. You can often save considerable money by booking an inside cabin versus an ocean-view or higher-level cabin.

What you'll give up, of course, is that ocean view. Your room will have four walls and no windows offering a glimpse of the outside world (at least, not a traditional window — more on that in a moment).

You'll also be in a very small room. Inside cabins on Symphony of the Seas measure just 149 square feet, quite a bit less than the typical ocean-view cabin on the vessel (those range from 179 to 272 square feet). The typical balcony cabin on Symphony of the Seas is 182 square feet, not including a 50-square-foot balcony.

As I mentioned above, there is one way to get a glimpse of the outside world from an inside cabin on a Royal Caribbean ship. In one of the great cruising innovations, Royal Caribbean has created some inside cabins with a "virtual balcony" that offers a view of the outside.

Related: The upside of booking an inside cabin

The virtual balcony is a high-definition screen built into one end of the windowless room that projects a real-time view of the ocean outside. It's designed to make you think you're actually in a balcony cabin with a view, and it is quite realistic-looking.

Just don't try to walk through the faux balcony opening.

Ocean-view cabins on Royal Caribbean ships

With an ocean-view cabin, you get a window looking out to the sea but not an attached balcony where you can sit outside and enjoy the fresh air.

Royal Caribbean's newer ships have relatively few such cabins, as cabins that face outward are usually built with balconies now.

Related: The 6 classes of Royal Caribbean ships, explained

In general, ocean-view cabins on Royal Caribbean ships are bigger than inside cabins and around the same size as balcony cabins (when comparing their interior space). But you can sometimes find ocean-view cabins that are significantly bigger than a typical balcony cabin. This is sometimes the case for ocean-view cabins at the front or back of ships, where there can be relatively large but oddly shaped rooms with windows but no balconies.

Royal Caribbean has built ocean-view cabins at the front of some ships that incorporate the angled space in the front part of the superstructure. As a result, they have sloping windows, and a bit more floor space around these windows (see the image below).

Royal Caribbean's Radiance-class ships, notably, have a category called Ultra Spacious Ocean View; it includes cabins at the front and back of the ship that measure 319 square feet — nearly twice as much as the typical ocean-view cabin on the vessels (which measures 170 square feet). Each of these bigger ocean-view cabins has two twin beds that can convert into a royal king bed, one double sofa bed and either one Pullman bed and one twin bed or two Pullman beds.

These bigger cabins can hold up to six people, making them popular with families.

Balcony cabins on Royal Caribbean ships

Balcony cabins are what everyone wants these days, and Royal Caribbean is delivering, with huge numbers of balcony cabins on all its newest ships. On the line's five Oasis-class ships, which began debuting in 2009, around 65% of rooms are balcony cabins. On the line's even-newer Quantum-class ships, which began debuting in 2014, the percentage is even higher — around 69%.

The typical Royal Caribbean balcony cabin has a contemporary look, with clean lines and relatively minimalist furniture. It will typically offer twin beds that can be converted into a royal king bed, a desk and a sofa that often pulls out into an additional bed. It typically measures around 180 square feet, not including the balcony area.

A few Royal Caribbean ships have balcony cabins that face toward the vessel's center, not toward the outside. If this seems like a paradox, it is. It results from an unusual design feature of one series of Royal Caribbean ships, the Oasis class.

Related: 6 reasons to book a balcony cabin

The Oasis-class vessels are so wide that they have room for an interior, open-air "Boardwalk" amusement area at their backs lined with inward-facing cabins. On Oasis-class ships, you thus can get a balcony cabin facing the sea or a balcony cabin facing inward, toward the Boardwalk area.

Suites on Royal Caribbean ships

Royal Caribbean is known for having some of the cruise world's most spectacular suites, including (on some ships) suites that sprawl over two decks.

Royal Caribbean isn't a luxury cruise line. However, the top suites on its vessels offer an experience keeping with what you'll find on some of the world's top luxury ships. Depending on the ship, these suites can come with such perks as private butlers (called Royal Genies) who attend to your every need, access to a private restaurant, access to a private suite lounge and sun deck, reserved seating in entertainment venues and priority boarding and disembarkation.

Related: 7 reasons you should splurge on a suite on your next cruise

They also have a much higher price tag than the typical Royal Caribbean cabin. These rooms are aimed at well-heeled travelers who, for whatever reason, prefer the sort of mass-market, megaship cruise experience that Royal Caribbean offers over the more intimate, white-glove experience you'll find on the small ships that luxury lines operate.

As noted above, there is a wide range of suite categories on some Royal Caribbean ships. Among the line's most spectacular suites are the Royal Loft Suites on some of the newer Royal Caribbean vessels. Two decks high, they offer a soaring living room space framed by a glass wall that offers stunning views.

Related: The 5 most spectacular suites at sea

The Royal Loft Suites on Oasis-class ships measure nearly 1,800 square feet and feature two bedrooms, a large living room with a soaring ceiling and a dining area. The Royal Loft Suites on Quantum-class vessels are nearly 1,640 square feet and also sprawl over two decks.

Royal Caribbean is also famous for its Ultimate Family Suite : a two-deck-high suite complex designed for families with young kids. It offers a slide from a second-floor kids room to the main level and extras like a foosball table. Currently, there are only Ultimate Family Suites on three Royal Caribbean ships: Wonder of the Seas , Symphony of the Seas and Spectrum of the Seas.

Note that these family suites often carry an astronomical price, falling in the $20,000-a-week range.

Smaller suites on Royal Caribbean ships include Grand Loft Suites, which can measure around 700 to 850 square feet. That's much smaller than the Royal Loft Suites but about four times the size of a standard balcony cabin.

Bottom line

Royal Caribbean has something for everyone when it comes to cabins on its ships. You can book a small, inside cabin that will get you on board one of the line's vessels at a very reasonable cost, or a huge suite that will set you back many times more but come with all sorts of perks.

Planning a cruise? Start with these stories:

• A beginners guide to picking a cruise line
• The 8 worst cabin locations on any cruise ship
• A quick guide to the most popular cruise lines
• 21 tips and tricks that will make your cruise go smoothly
• 15 ways cruisers waste money
• 12 best cruises for people who never want to grow up
• What to pack for your first cruise

• CruiseMapper

Voyager Of The Seas deck plans

Deck layouts, review of facilities, activities, amenities.

Voyager Of The Seas deck plan review at CruiseMapper provides newest cruise deck plans (2024-2025-2026 valid floor layouts of the vessel) extracted from the officially issued by Royal Caribbean deckplan pdf (printable version).

Each of the Voyager Of The Seas cruise ship deck plans are conveniently combined with a legend (showing cabin codes) and detailed review of all the deck's venues and passenger-accessible indoor and outdoor areas. A separate link provides an extensive information on Voyager Of The Seas staterooms (cabins and suites), including photos, cabin plans and amenities by room type and category.

Voyager of the Seas (1999-built, last refurbished in 2019 / Royal Amplified )  is of the Voyager-class  Royal Caribbean cruise ships - together with Adventure OTS ,  Explorer OTS ,  Mariner OTS , Navigator OTS .

Note: CruiseMapper's Voyager OTS deck plans are valid for 2023-2024-2025 (through April 28th).

Voyager of the Seas cruise ship deck plan shows a total of 1708 staterooms for 3416 passengers (max capacity is 4099) served by 1180 crew-staff. The boat has 15 decks (14 passenger-accessible, 9 with cabins), 14 lounges and bars (8 dining options), 4 swimming pools, 7 Jacuzzis (outdoor whirlpool hot tubs), 2 waterslides, 14 elevators.

Voyager OTS deck plan changes 2019 refurbishment review

The ship was "Royal Amplified" as RCI fleet's 4th vessel redesigned and upgraded by RCI's newest drydock refurbishment program. Voyager OTS also received some fleet-first (and industry-first) features during the scheduled 2019 drydock (September 10 through October 14) in Singapore (at Sembawang Shipyard).

Deckplan changes after the ship's renovation 2019 included:

• added "The Perfect Storm" - aquapark with two waterslides (Typhoon and Cyclone).
• added "Battle for Planet Z" (laser tag course) in "Studio B" (ice-skating rink)
• redesigned "Adventure Ocean" (kids facilities), upgraded kids programming (children 3-12 yo)
• added Royal Babies and Tots Nursery (for babies and toddlers). Until 2019, Voyager OTS was RCI's only liner without a nursery.
• Teenagers' exclusive hangout was updated and was added an adjacent outdoor laid-back/sun deck.
• Ship's wellness complex (Vitality Spa and Fitness Center) on Deck 12 was enhanced and enlarged. The complex was relocated from forward to aft.
• A total of 72 new staterooms (interior and balcony) were added. New "family cabin" categories were introduced - CB (Connecting Balcony), CO (Connecting Oceanview), CP (Connecting Promenade Interior) and CI (Connecting Interior).
• An exclusive Suite Lounge (with an outdoor seating area) was added for passengers booked in Grand Suite and above.
• Diamond Lounge was created for "Crown and Anchor Society" members (by RCI's loyalty program).
• Johnny Rockets (80-seat burger bar) was removed.

Voyager OTS' Royal Amplified 2019 drydock project cost USD 97 million.

Voyager OTS deck plan changes 2018 refurbishment review

Drydock 2018 refurbishment resulted in the following deckplan changes:

On Sports Deck 13, the RCI’s signature waterslides “Cyclone” and “Typhoon” were installed (next to the FlowRider simulator).

On Spa Deck 12 (aft), the new “Slashaway Bay” kids aqua park was added. This is an interactive water play area (with cannons and geysers) replacing the old Outdoor Youth Area (aka “back deck”).

The new water park and the duo of waterslides were first introduced on the ships  Liberty of the Seas  and  Harmony of the Seas  (Oasis-class).

Voyager Of The Seas deckplan changes 2014 refurbishment review

The list of deckplan changes after May 2014 drydock included:

• (On deck 2) 4 new oceanview cabins were added in the place of the Board Room (starboard). Also, the Theatre was renamed from “Coral” to “La Scala”.
• (On deck 3) 19 new interior cabins (category Q) were added in the area of “The Vault” (Disco Nightclub, 297 seats). Also here, the “Photo & Art Gallery” (starboard) was renamed to “Focus”. It was also reduced in size, making space for 15 new Oceanview cabins (category I). Another 5 cabins were added portside. Main Dining Room was renamed from “Carmen” to “Sapphire” (level 1).
• (On deck 4) “The Vault” was replaced by “Giovanni’s Table” (Italian restaurant). The “Aquarium Bar” (portside section) was replaced with “The Tavern”, and its starboard section – with “Art Gallery”. Also here, the Main Dining Room was renamed from “La Boheme” to “Sapphire” (level 2).
• (On deck 5) the show lounge was renamed from “Cleopatra’s Needle” to “Star Lounge”. The “Connoisseur Club” was renamed to “The Golden Room”. The “Ben and Jerry’s” was renamed to “Ice Cream Parlor “. The “Champagne Bar” was replaced with the “R-Bar”. The Main Dining Room was renamed from “Magic Flute” to “Sapphire” (level 3).
• (On deck 6) an interior room (number 6137, forward) was added and the “Business Services” desk was renamed to “Next Cruise”.
• (On deck 7) an interior room (number 7139, forward) was added.
• (On deck 8) an interior room (number 8237, forward) was added and the “Royal Caribbean Online” was renamed to “RC Online”.
• (On deck 9) an interior room (number 9237, forward) was added and some Inside cabins were converted to Virtual Balcony (category VB) staterooms.
• (On deck 10) an interior room (number 1233) was added. Stateroom categories were changed – from category L to K, and some were converted to VB-Virtual Balcony.
• (On Lido Deck 11) in the main pool area, a huge movie screen (outdoor theatre) was installed. Also here, the “Bridge Overlook” was renamed to “Peek-A-Boo Bridge”. The “Day Spa & Fitness Center” was renamed to “Vitality at Sea”. The Portofino restaurant was replaced with “Chops Grille” (steakhouse). During the refurbishment, the “Island Grill” bar and the “Florist” shop were both removed.
• (On Spa Deck 12) spa cabins were added around the ship’s bow area. The “Optix Teen Disco” was renamed to “Teen Disco” and the “Video Arcade” was added. The “Adventure Beach” kids play area was renamed to “Outdoor Youth Area”.
• (On deck 13) the In-line Skating Track was replaced with the FlowRider simulator.
• (On deck 14) the portside-location rooms “Cloud Nine” and “Seven Hearts were replaced with the “Izumi” (Asian restaurant). The starboard-location “19th Hole” lounge was replaced with the “Diamond Club” – a signature venue for “Crown & Anchor” (RCI loyalty program) members only.
• Cabin amenities were upgraded with new flat TVs in all cruise staterooms.
• Digital signage (way finders) on several decks were installed. These touch-screen boards allow you to know your way around the ship.
• Wi-Fi coverage was upgraded to shipwide.

Onboard entertainment options were upgraded with the “DreamWorks Experience” (themed characters entertainment).

Deck layouts

Deck 02 - ice rink-cabins, deck 03 - studio b-cabins, deck 04 - casino-lounge, deck 05 - promenade-lobby-shops-helideck, deck 06 - cabins, deck 07 - cabins, deck 08 - cabins, deck 09 - cabins, deck 10 - bridge-cabins, deck 11 - lido-pools-cabins, deck 12 - kids-teens-spa-cabins, deck 13 - sports-flowrider-waterslides-golf, deck 14 - viking crown lounge-izumi, deck 15 - skylight.

Voyager Of The Seas deck plans are property of Royal Caribbean . All deck layouts are for informational purposes only and CruiseMapper is not responsible for their accuracy.

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Royal Caribbean Staterooms

• Family Junior Suite with Balcony Perfect for a family of four or five, this suite has a bed and comfortable spaces for everyone including a private balcony. The bedroom can transform two twin beds into a Royal King and there is a great sitting area where the sofa that can be transformed into a double bed. The suite also shows off its full bathroom and tub, another half bath.  
• Superior Grand Suite with Balcony This suite is spacious with a separate dressing area, a full bathroom with a tub and two sinks, and the ability to sleep four with two twin beds that can convert to a Royal King and a sofa that can work as a double bed in the living room space. The living room contains the sofa along with an entertainment center and a desk and a wraparound balcony outside.  
• Grand Loft Suite with Balcony & Sky Loft Suite with Balcony The Grand Loft Suite is not only big enough for the whole family of four, but it also offers great panoramic views and two levels of bedrooms and living spaces. The first floor of the suite is a living and dining room area where your sofa can turn to a double bed and the second floor holds the master bedroom with twin beds that can be made into a Royal King bed.  
• Owner’s Loft Suite with Balcony Able to sleep up to four people, this Owner’s Loft Suite contains large living spaces, two split bathrooms on the first floor and a private bath and shower on the second floor for those staying in the master bedroom. This suite comes with a large private balcony where the whole family can gather for a snack.  
• Accessible Spa Junior Suite with Balcony You will receive every amenity of a Junior Suite and more when using this suite as it has been made accessible for those in wheelchairs. The entry to the room has been made wider and automatic and the room also a lowered vanity and a wider entry to the bathroom. It includes more accessible amenities like a roll-in shower and a lowered vanity.  
• Spa Junior Suite with Balcony Great for a couple wanting to get away, this suite contains two twin beds to convert to a Royal King as well as a spa-inspired bathroom with a frosted glass shower and another half bath for extra sink space. The suite is great for those wanting a private balcony and a corner settee for additional relaxation.  
• Royal Loft Suite with Balcony Whether you’re on the second floor or outside in the whirlpool on the private balcony, this two story stateroom offers great panoramic views inside an out. The suite sleeps up to 6 people with two sofas in the living spaces that convert to a double and queen bed, and two twin beds in the master bedroom that can also convert to a Royal King bed.  
• Owner’s Suite with Balcony With two twin beds that can become a Royal King, a sofa that can become a double bed, large closets, a full bathroom and a separate half bath, the suite can sleep up to four people. This suite offers plenty of dining space outside on the wrap around balcony and inside with a large dining table for the group to enjoy meals together.  
• Royal Family Suite with Balcony Your family will feel like royalty in this two bedroom, two bath suite with a wraparound balcony, outdoor dining space, and an entertainment center. The suite sleeps up to eight with two twin beds that can become a Royal King in both the master and second bedroom, and an additional two Pullman beds in the second bedroom.  
• Grand Suite with Balcony With two twin beds that will convert to a Royal king in the bedroom and a sofa turned into a double bed in the living area, this suite sleeps up to four people. The suite accommodates with a full bathroom with two sinks and a separate changing area.  
• Junior Suite with Balcony The Junior Suite comes with a private balcony that can also be used to connect with a Studio Interior Stateroom or an Ocean View Balcony Stateroom. The suite also sleeps up to four people comfortably with the option of turning two twin beds into a Royal King bed and a sofa that can convert into a double bed.  

Balcony Staterooms:

• Ocean View Connected Stateroom with Balcony For unlimited convenience for groups or families, this stateroom offers a common living area and two separate sleeping and bath areas. Most guests book these rooms together so they can also enjoy the balcony space together.  
• Deluxe Obstructed Ocean View Stateroom with Balcony This stateroom offers two twin beds that will transform into a Royal King, a nice sofa for sitting and reading, a full bathroom and a private balcony.  
• Super Studio Ocean View Stateroom with Balcony Although the room can sleep up to two people, the room is a single occupancy stateroom with a single full size bed, full bathroom, and a private balcony for the guest to enjoy.  
• Accessible Superior Ocean View Stateroom with Balcony With an automatic and wider entryway, extra turning spaces, a fold-down shower bench a raised toilet and more, this stateroom offers the amenities for those that need the extra accessibility. The two twin beds in the room can be converted to a Royal King.  
• Superior Ocean View Stateroom with Balcony This luxurious stateroom offers great views from its private balcony. The room has two twin beds that can become a Royal King, a great sitting area and sofa, and a full bathroom.  
• Deluxe Ocean View Stateroom with Balcony This stateroom has two twin beds that can become a Royal King, a great sitting area and sofa, and a full bathroom. You’ll also be impressed with the large private balcony.  

Outside Staterooms:

• Ocean View Connected Stateroom For convenience for groups or families, this stateroom offers a common living area and two separate sleeping and bath areas. Most guests book these rooms together.  
• Superior Ocean View Stateroom The room has two twin beds that can become a Royal King, a great sitting area and sofa, and a full bathroom. As your ship sails, you can enjoy the view from a lounge chair looking out the large panoramic window.  
• Large Ocean View Stateroom Just a little smaller square footage than the superior ocean view, this stateroom is still large enough to enjoy all the same perks.  
• Accessible Ocean View Stateroom With an automatic and wider entryway, roll-in shower, grab bars, a lowered vanity and more, this stateroom offers the amenities for those that need the extra accessibility. The two twin beds in the room can be converted to a Royal King and a large panoramic window for viewing.  
• Ocean View Stateroom The ocean view stateroom offers a great view from the panoramic window from the sofa or the two twin beds that will convert to a Royal King. The room also offers a full bathroom for the guests.  

Interior Staterooms:

• Interior Connected Stateroom with Virtual Balcony Book your room together and enjoy the virtual views of the scenery outside on your flat screen television with your friends or family in the common sitting area. You’ll also have two bedrooms and two bathrooms for your convenience.  
• Studio Interior Stateroom with Virtual View With a full bed and full bathroom, this stateroom can sleep up to two people. You can view real-time scenery from your flat screen television.  
• Accessible Interior Stateroom with Virtual Balcony This stateroom offers floor to ceiling virtual real-time views of the ocean or the destination. The room also offers open bed frames, an automatic and wide entryway, hand-held shower heads, a lowered sink, and other amenities to assist those in wheelchairs.  
• Interior Stateroom with Virtual Balcony This stateroom offers floor to ceiling virtual real-time views of the ocean or the destination that you can enjoy from the sitting area. The bedroom area contains two twin beds that can be converted to a Royal King, and a full bathroom.  

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Royal Caribbean’s Crown and Anchor Society: The Complete Guide

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Royal Caribbean Cruise Line has some of the largest ships at sea. The company sails around the globe, offering itineraries for all interests and a handful of world cruises that can last several months.

Similar to airline and hotel brands, cruise lines also have loyalty programs, and Royal Caribbean is no exception. Its Crown and Anchor Society rewards repeat cruisers interested in maximizing their onboard perks. Here’s what you need to know about the loyalty program and why “It pays to be loyal to Royal" as the cruise line says.

How do you earn points for Royal Caribbean’s Crown and Anchor Society?

After completing your first cruise, you will earn points every time you sail with Royal Caribbean, accruing one point for each night you’re on board. You'll earn double points per night if you stay in a suite. The more points you earn, the higher your elite status.

Note that elite status earning requirements are based on lifetime point accrual — not a calendar year like most other loyalty programs.

Don't worry if you forget to sign up; taking your first cruise automatically enrolls you in the program. However, you will need to create a Crown and Anchor login to view your online account, which will help you keep track of the points you earn.

» Learn more: The best ways to book a cruise

Can you earn points with a Royal Caribbean credit card?

Even though Royal Caribbean has its own co-branded credit card , you can’t use it to help you reach Crown and Anchor elite status. Instead, the points you earn by spending with the card can be used to enhance your cruise experience.

You can redeem points for onboard credits, cruise discounts, room upgrades and companion fares. The only way to earn points toward Crown and Anchor elite status is by sailing on a cruise.

» Learn more: Best credit cards for cruises

Crown and Anchor Society elite status levels

There are six elite status levels in the Crown and Anchor loyalty program. As an added benefit for those who cruise with their family, children younger than 18 automatically hold the same status as their parents (with the exception of the Pinnacle Club tier).

Here’s what you can expect to receive at each tier of the Crown and Anchor Society.

Gold is the first elite status tier, which you'll reach after earning 3 points. As a Gold member, you receive:

A newsletter with advance notice of new ships, itineraries and special deals.

Exclusive rates on some sailings and itineraries.

Access to a private lounge with continental breakfast before departure.

One additional cruise point for each night when paying a single rate in a double occupancy stateroom.

Discounts on Wi-Fi, spa, food and beverage options.

Platinum is the next elite status, which members reach after accruing 30 points as a member. In addition to all of the Gold perks, as a Platinum member, you’ll receive:

Exclusive rates on balcony and suite staterooms.

Reciprocal status with Celebrity Cruises Captain’s Club.

A special onboard event on sailings five nights or longer.

Robes in the cabin.

Laundry discounts.

» Learn more: Tips for getting the best deal on your next cruise

Once you reach 55 points, you move to the Emerald tier, which provides all the perks of Gold and Platinum plus these additional things:

Welcome water in your stateroom (two bottles per adult).

Lapel pin to recognize your Emerald status.

Now you’re starting to crack the code on special perks with Royal Caribbean. Once you earn 80 points, you reach the Diamond level and receive the benefits of all the lower status tiers plus these extras:

Chef’s choice welcome gift on sailings five nights or longer.

Four complimentary drinks per day.

Priority waitlist for shore excursions and spa appointments.

Access to the Crown or Silver lounge with complimentary snacks and nightly happy hour.

Priority waitlist for preferred seats in the main dining room.

Four daily complimentary nonalcoholic drinks for kids.

One day of free Wi-Fi.

Plus, a commemorative crystal block is awarded when you accrue 140 points and again for every 70 points afterward.

Diamond Plus

The Diamond Plus level is for serious cruisers since it kicks in once you’ve earned 175 points. It comes with all the perks of the lower tiers as well as these benefits:

Dedicated call center for reservations.

Choice of a special in-room amenity, such as wine, strawberries or cheese plate.

Five complimentary drinks per day.

Deluxe beverage package discounts.

Priority seating at entertainment venues (theater, Ice show and AquaTheater).

Two days of free Wi-Fi.

One free laundry service on sailings five nights or longer.

Complimentary add-on spa treatment. 

Five daily complimentary nonalcoholic drinks for kids.

Although still in the same elite tier, for members who have earned at least 340 points, there are even more benefits:

Lunch and wine with an officer on sailings seven nights or longer.

Upgraded bathroom toiletries.

Reduced single supplement cruise fare.

» Learn more: How to plan a cruise in 6 steps

Pinnacle Club

Once you accrue 700 points, you’re awarded Pinnacle Club status. This is the highest tier you can earn, and it includes all of the benefits of the lower tiers plus:

Specialty dining discounts, exclusive daily breakfast and access to a private restaurant.

Free Wi-Fi for one device for the entire sailing.

Six complimentary drinks per day.

Personalized lapel pin.

Complimentary cruise.

Another complimentary cruise for each additional 350 cruise points earned.

Six daily complimentary nonalcoholic drinks for kids.

The free cruises are a great bonus, and the first two cruises earned (at 700 and 1,050 points) are eligible for a balcony stateroom on a seven-night Caribbean sailing. You can also choose to redeem a $2,400 credit toward another cruise. The cruise must be taken within one year of earning it, and the ship must have been sailing for at least one year.

Any additional complimentary cruises earned can be redeemed for a junior suite stateroom on a seven-night Caribbean sailing or as a voucher for $3,200 on any other sailing. They’re not valid during the holidays or peak summer months, and the member has to pay taxes, fees and port surcharges.

Are there any Crown and Anchor partner benefits?

There are several partner perks that Crown and Anchor Society members can take advantage of when they’re not sailing. Here’s what you can expect:

Hertz Gold Plus Rewards

Go immediately to the car without stopping by the counter at certain locations.

Choose cars from the Gold Plus area at select locations.

MGM Rewards

MGM elite tier status match.

Celebrity Cruises

Elite tier status match (for Crown and Anchor Platinum level and higher).

» Learn more: How Norwegian and Royal Caribbean cruise lines differ

Is it worth joining the Crown and Anchor Society?

When sailing with Royal Caribbean, it is worth joining the loyalty program — after all, you’re automatically enrolled after your first cruise. Once you reach elite status, you’ll enjoy plenty of perks, which increase the more you sail.

After reaching Platinum level, you’ll enjoy elite status perks on Celebrity cruises. While you can’t spend your way to elite status with the Royal Caribbean credit card, using it can provide discounts on your next cruise. And any time you sail, you can get closer to the next tier of the Crown and Anchor Society program.

How to maximize your rewards

You want a travel credit card that prioritizes what’s important to you. Here are our picks for the best travel credit cards of 2024 , including those best for:

Flexibility, point transfers and a large bonus: Chase Sapphire Preferred® Card

No annual fee: Bank of America® Travel Rewards credit card

Flat-rate travel rewards: Capital One Venture Rewards Credit Card

Bonus travel rewards and high-end perks: Chase Sapphire Reserve®

Luxury perks: The Platinum Card® from American Express

Business travelers: Ink Business Preferred® Credit Card

on Chase's website

1x-5x 5x on travel purchased through Chase Travel℠, 3x on dining, select streaming services and online groceries, 2x on all other travel purchases, 1x on all other purchases.

60,000 Earn 60,000 bonus points after you spend $4,000 on purchases in the first 3 months from account opening. That's $750 when you redeem through Chase Travel℠.

on Bank of America's website

1.5x-2x Earn unlimited 2 points for every $1 spent on travel and dining purchases and unlimited 1.5 points for every $1 spent on all other purchases.

60,000 Receive 60,000 online bonus points - a $600 value - after you make at least $4,000 in purchases in the first 90 days of account opening.

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The Best Free Things To Do Onboard Rhapsody Of The Seas

You can look forward to lots of included onboard activities when you choose to sail onboard rhapsody of the seas®️..

By Amanda Mesa | Published on April 1, 2024

Feeling in need of a vacation but trying to operate within a tight budget? You can plan an unforgettable getaway without taking a big financial hit. I’ve found that cruising is a great option for anyone who wants to enjoy all the perks of an all-inclusive escape without having to shell out big bucks for flights or a stay at an expensive resort. And if the thought of a larger-than-life cruise ship with a head-spinning list of features seems overwhelming to you, you’ll be pleased to know there are other smaller options out there that offer a simpler, more intimate vibe.

One of my favorites is Rhapsody of the Seas , a mid-sized ship that accommodates just 2,000 guests. Now, I’ve gone on my fair share of cruises, and I’ve found that this is the perfect number of people if you’re looking for a low-key, laid-back escape. Over the course of a few days, you’ll likely make some new friends — yet there’s still plenty of room to unwind on your own if and when you feel like it.

Rhapsody of the Seas is also one of the most budget-friendly ships I’ve ever sailed on. Most of the activities and experiences onboard this Vision Class ship by Royal Caribbean are included in your cruise fare — including access to the main pool and whirlpools, deck-side dance parties, the Rock Climbing Wall, late-night game shows and movie nights under the stars. The ship is also home to some of the cruise line’s top-rated culinary concepts — three of which are totally complimentary to cruise guests. Here are just some of top free things to do onboard Rhapsody of the Seas .

1. Delicious Dining During Breakfast, Lunch And Dinner

Let’s start with one of my top priorities — food. While every bite onboard Rhapsody of the Seas is delicious, those looking to stick to complimentary dining options will not be disappointed. The ship is home to Windjammer , a buffet-style favorite that serves crave-worthy flavors from around the globe all day long at no additional cost to you. Pop by in the morning to start your day with flaky European pastries, fluffy eggs Bhurji, made-to-order omelets and crispy-fried chicken and waffles. Drop in during lunchtime for freshly pressed paninis, tender carved meats, crisp salads, juicy burgers and a rotating selection of international fare. And at dinnertime, the lunch spread expands to encompass heartier entrees and even more international stations that change throughout your cruise. Another great perk? You don’t need a reservation to dine here.

There’s also the Main Dining Room . This is your go-to for formal dining onboard Rhapsody of the Seas . While the dress code isn’t super strict (this is a vacation, after all), people still enjoy showing up in their best resort wear — think summer dresses and wedges or linen slacks and button-downs — so the vibe always feels elevated. Like Windjammer, the menu here also features global fare with rotating dishes, so you can try something new each night of your cruise. The food at the Main Dining Room is also included in your cruise fare, though you will have to select a preferred seating time before you set sail.

Finally, there’s Park Café . This casual, always-bustling bistro offers deli classics like made-to-order salads, sandwiches stuffed with all your favorite meats, cheeses and toppings, steaming soups that always hit the spot and, of course, the Royal Kümmelweck — a roast beef sandwich that’s become a rite of passage among cruisers. Park Café is open for breakfast and lunch each day of your sailing. It’s definitely one of the best free places to eat on the ship if you want something fast and fresh in between pool sessions or other onboard activities.

Beyond the three complimentary dining options mentioned above, Rhapsody of the Seas  is also home to some amazing specialty restaurants — including the contemporary steakhouse, Chops Grille SM , the guest-favorite sushi spot, Izumi , the trattoria- style Giovanni's℠ Table and the ultra-VIP Chef’s Table experience. Dining at these specialty restaurants will cost you extra, but you can enjoy big savings by purchasing a Specialty Dining Package before or during your cruise.

2. A First-Rate Pool Scene With Plenty Of Surprise Happenings

If you’re traveling in tropical or Mediterranean climates — two regions Rhapsody of the Seas has sailed through — one of the best ways to spend a sea day is by the pool. The scene onboard this ship always exceeds expectations. During the morning, the vibe around the main pool and its surrounding whirlpools is chill and laid back, but as the day progresses, the ship’s cruise director ensures plenty of fun to keep guests engaged and entertained. Think dance competitions, live performers, bellyflop contests, prize-worthy challenges and more. And with so many chaise loungers available on the deck, you never have to worry about waking up early to claim a spot.

If you’re still craving zen vibes when the party starts up around the main pool, all you have to do is migrate to the Solarium. This adults-only hideaway onboard the ship has its own lagoon-like pool and whirlpools, and the atmosphere is always tranquil. Like the main pool, access is completely covered by your cruise fare. The Solarium also has a beautiful retractable crystal roof that allows you to swim, lounge and relax in any climate or weather. If you’ve opted to make your getaway an all-inclusive cruise vacation by purchasing a Specialty Beverage Package, you can enjoy free-flowing wine, ice-cold brews and your favorite cocktails from the nearby Solarium Bar at no additional charge.

3. Plenty Of Ways To Stay Active Onboard

4. An Award-Winning Youth Program That’s Complimentary

5. Exceptional Entertainment Included In Your Escape

6. More Ways To Make The Most Of Every Night Onboard

Dazzling theatrical shows aren’t the only way to spend an evening onboard Rhapsody of the Seas. If you’re in the mood for a more low-key night out, cozy up at one of the ship’s outdoor movie nights. They’re hosted on the pool deck beneath the stars, where a giant projector screen towers above the pool. The lineup usually ranges from old-school classics to current blockbusters — your Cruise Compass should show what’s playing on any given night. Or, if you want to laugh, head to a game show. Typically hosted by the cruise director, they pit contestants against each other in challenges like Love & Marriage, Battle of the Sexes and the adults-only Quest. Sign up to participate yourself or cheer on the brave contenders from the audience. Either way, you’re in for a hilarious night.

As you can see, Rhapsody of the Seas makes it easy to enjoy a budget-friendly vacation that feels like a million bucks. Whether you’re after chill vibes only, looking to get some thrills on or prefer a healthy balance of both, you’ll find that most of the best activities, experiences and even dining onboard the ship are free. See what else this cruise ship offers  or start browsing itineraries for your next getaway .

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Radiance of the Seas Decks and Cabins

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Radiance of the Seas cruise ship weighs 90k tons and has 1061 staterooms for up to 2546 passengers served by 858 crew . There are 13 passenger decks, 7 with cabins. You can expect a space ratio of 35 tons per passenger on this ship. On this page are the current deck plans for Radiance of the Seas showing deck plan layouts, public venues and all types of cabins including pictures and videos.

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Sleeps up to: 8 4 Cabins Cabin: 533 sqft (50 m 2 ) Balcony: 139 sqft (13 m 2 ) * Size may vary, see details below.

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Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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Updated at 2:44 p.m. ET on April 6, 2024.

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optic nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

Kim Brooks: On failing the family vacation

The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.

See inside a new ultra-luxury river cruise line that's charging up to $59,520 per person

• Newcomer Riverside Luxury Cruises wants to break into the growing river cruise market.
• The ultra-luxury cruise line  operates former Crystal ships in popular European rivers like the Danube.
• Riverside's 2024 cruises start at $1,055 per person for four days.

A new ultra-luxury cruise line wants to be the swankiest travel-by-river vacation option.

To do so, it's enticing cruisers with truffle-infused butter, $320-per-person dinners, and butlers that can be beckoned with a simple WhatsApp message.

Affluent travelers , meet Riverside Luxury Cruises.

The budding company first set sail in March 2023. With a year of service under its belt, its three ships are now sailing some of Europe's most popular rivers — starting at more than $260 per person per day.

Riverside is operated by Seaside Collection, a European hotelier.

The firm had its sights set on a river cruise venture since 2018, Jen Halboth, CEO of Riverside Luxury Cruises, told Business Insider.

Ironically, COVID-19 was the reason it got into the business.

Crystal Cruises declared bankruptcy in early 2022 amid the pandemic. Shortly after, Seaside purchased and updated five of the then-defunct cruise line's ships.

Three of these vessels now make up Riverside's fleet. The other two are being leased to competitor Uniworld River Cruises.

River cruising has become increasingly popular as wealthy travelers gravitate to ultra-luxury small-ship vacations.

River cruise ships are much smaller than their behemoth ocean-based counterparts, allowing Riverside to sail in waterways like Europe's Rhine, Rhone, Danube, Main, Moselle, and Saône rivers.

Along the way, guests can explore destinations many giant ships can't easily access — like Budapest, Hungary; Frankfurt, Germany; and Amsterdam — sometimes visiting more than one port in a day.

One of Riverside's shortest and cheapest 2024 voyages starts at $1,055 per person for a four-day Danube River cruise from Passau, Germany, to Vienna.

Alcohol and excursion packages can tack on an extra $75 to $175 per person per night.

Looking to ball out? The most expensive and longest itinerary is $59,521 per person for a three-river, 22-day cruise from Amsterdam to Budapest, Hungary, in the most expensive suite with the most inclusive package.

To compare, the cheapest 2024 voyage with all-inclusive luxury competitor Uniworld River Cruises starts at $2,000 per person for an eight-day Danube River sailing.

River cruisers tend to be over the age of 55.

But the new company is targeting guests 45 years old and older, specifically those who frequent luxury vacations but have yet to try a river cruise.

"New luxury travelers want to be pampered, get off and have an adventure, and come back and be taken care of," the cruise line's CEO said.

"Pampering” they will get.

Of Riverside's three ships, the 394-foot-long, 74-foot-wide Mozart can accommodate the most guests — up to 162, not including the 82 crew.

Yes, it's larger than Uniworld's ships, which range from 32 to 159 guests. But it's also significantly smaller than Royal Caribbean's new 9,950-person Icon of the Seas ocean vessel.

Like most cruise liners, Riverside's three ships have spas, buffets, and plush lounges and bars.

During the day, travelers can enjoy lunch at the open-air grill and relax to live music courtesy of Steinway and Bösendorfer pianos, no less.

At night, they can dine on a seven-course meal at the 295 euros ($320) per-person Vintage Room.

Riverside’s ships have up to 5 restaurants. Vintage Room is the only specialty option.

The cost to dine includes a wine pairing and plates like veal with truffle and chanterelle mushrooms and "surf and turf" with beef sirloin and scallops.

But don't expect a lackluster, rushed meal at the other complimentary options: "This is not a churn-and-burn," the company's CEO said of the ships' Waterside restaurants. "You come in for fine dining."

Infused, whipped butter is apparently one of Riverside's hottest commodities.

Sometimes, it has chiles. Other times, it's infused with citrus. If you're lucky, you'll get one with truffles.

"People were raving about our butter," Halboth said. "Everyone's waiting to see what butter they'll get at dinner each night."

Need to sleep off all that dairy? You're in luck. Every cabin has a king bed.

Riverside's suites range from 194 to 883 square-feet. These high-end cabins include butler service, stocked mini-bars, and espresso machines.

Some suites also have double-sink vanities and walk-in closets, a hallmark of an ultra-luxury cruise vessel .

Does Riverside’s more than $260 per person, per day fare seem reasonable now?

If yes, book soon. It'll only get more expensive from here.

These fares don't offset the amount Riverside is spending on amenities like the upscale food, according to Halboth. To make up for these expenditures, the cruise line plans to raise its prices gradually over the next two years.

The company's CEO said bookings have been 'a little lighter' since the start of 2024.

But the back half of the year is "filling up" thanks to Americans: About 70 to 80% of its guests are from North America, the company said.

Riverside will operate its Mozart, Ravel, and Debussy ships for three years as it 'hones the brand,' Halboth said.

The cruise line's two additional vessels would join its fleet in the next few years.

Given the growing popularity of river cruises , it's a good time for companies like Riverside to start expanding.

However, it could face plenty of incoming competition.

Jamie Loizou, the UK managing director of luxury river cruise line AmaWaterways, is forecasting 2024 as a "pivotal" year for the river cruise industry, noting that 15 new river-based vessels are expected to launch this year, Cruise Critic reported .

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