grief is a long journey

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Why Grief is a Journey, Not Just a Step Outside.

• Posted By March 6, 2019

Grief is often described as a journey – how poetic, right? Some days, we wonder why our grief can’t just be as easy as taking a step outside to clear our heads and “get back on the horse”. Remember that grief isn’t just about becoming resilient in the face of loss and quickly finding a new normal, as though we are on a scavenger hunt. Grief is about growing through our loss experiences and continually building our “new normal”.

I feel as though many inspirational quotes can really romanticize grief as a journey by talking about it from the point of what happens when you “get to the top”. Some days, we need inspiration like that. We need to know there’s a “view” to look forward to.

What I will say is that when we talk about grief as a journey, we don’t just think about those “Ohhhh, wow!” moments. We are also talking about the moments when you may feel lost and confused. Grief doesn’t have steps for us to complete or a map for us to follow, so of course we may get a bit lost now and then!

How about when you take a trail you thought would get you to one place, but you really just end up where you’ve already been? These may be the times that grief kind of sneaks up on you and you think to yourself, “Well, I didn’t know this was happening today … ok”. It’s also about the moments where you are tired, dirty, hungry, and want a break. I like to call this grief brain. When things seem to be a bit too much and daily life can tire us out. This is when we really need to focus on self-care. These are some of the hard truths we don’t necessarily like to talk about, because they aren’t pretty, and they may not feel like very hopeful moments.

But what happens when we don’t talk about them? All we see are people’s highlight reels of how wonderfully they are coping and growing, without even trying? That doesn’t seem right. We need to know that not every step of the way is going to be easy. Sometimes we may have to struggle, stop to figure out what trail to take next, wait out the storms. We need to talk about the tough stuff, so we can fully appreciate all the hard work we are doing to grow through these challenges.

But that’s not all that we find on our journeys. Sometimes we find another person walking their own path and we chat for a while. These people can become our friends, our supports, and our companions. Maybe we hike with them and know that even though we are walking the same way, we are both different people and need to do what’s best for us on the trail. Remember that everyone’s journeys look different and there is no right or wrong way to trek through yours.

Now let’s talk about those moments where we find a view that we want to sit down and take in. Maybe it’s a memory or an accomplishment we want to savor for a few moments. Embrace these when you find them – these are very special moments. These are awesome rest stops on the journey, but they are not our destination.

There is no destination. Before we take that as a discouraging comment, think about the pressure that can be lifted from the expectation of “reaching the end” or “finishing your journey”. We will always be on this journey, because isn’t that what life is? So, don’t put a time limit or other expectations on it; grief wasn’t meant to be put in a box off to the side. Give your grief a chance to grow and change with you. Some days it will feel like a big rock in your pack, and other days it might just be a small beautiful stone you keep in your pocket. It’s a part of you. It’s a part of your journey. We don’t get over it, but we can keep Actively Moving Forward in our grief journey.

Written by Kiri Meyer, MS, LPC, NCC

Director of Programming for Actively Moving Forward® (AMF), a HealGrief program

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The Psychology of Grief: The 4 Stages Explained

On one hand, it is a complex and painful maelstrom of thoughts and emotions triggered by the loss of someone precious to an individual.

On the other hand, it is a natural and positive healing process that plays an essential role in helping us work through and let go of the often unavoidable trauma of loss.

In this article, you’ll learn how to resolve this contradiction and understand that while grief is challenging and complex, it is ultimately straightforward to understand and navigate.

Before you continue reading, we thought you might like to download our three Grief Exercises [PDF] for free . These science-based tools will help you move yourself or others through grief in a compassionate way.

This Article Contains:

What is grief 5 symptoms & common emotions, grief and loss theories: 4 models & cycles, how does grief affect the brain and body, grief vs complicated grief, helpful resources from positivepsychology.com, a take-home message.

Put in the simplest terms, grief is an intense emotional experience triggered by a loss. Grief is most commonly experienced in the context of death, such as the death of someone close to the grieving individual or the individual themselves in the process of dying.

However, loss comes in many forms, and grief can also be experienced following the loss of a relationship, a job, faith, significant material assets, and so on.

It’s appropriate that the word ‘grief’ has its roots in the Latin ‘gravis,’ which roughly translates to ‘a heavy burden.’ Grief emerges from the heavy burden of emotions triggered by the loss (Dunne, 2004).

Before you read any further, it’s important to bear in mind that grief is not a clinical condition. Assuming that your client is experiencing a clinical issue can be a dangerous approach, as it may alienate them during a time when they are already feeling isolated and make them withdraw or feel shame about disclosing experiences that are completely healthy.

After all, everyone is likely to experience grief during their lifetime. Grief can also present differently between individuals. Your client’s experience will be shaped by their personal expectations and beliefs about the nature of grief, which are themselves shaped by the unique combination of your client’s personality, faith, culture, and life history.

With that in mind, several symptoms that are common among grieving individuals can also characterize grief. We can group these symptoms into five different categories: physical, cognitive, emotional, interpersonal, and lifestyle (Stroebe & Schut, 1998).

Physical symptoms

These are symptoms that have a physiological effect on the grieving individual. They resemble the physical symptoms of depression and include loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, fatigue and loss of energy, physical pains (which may be psychosomatic), and a suppressed immune system. More acute physical symptoms may be episodes of weeping, wailing, or intense physical agitation.

Cognitive symptoms

Grief can also influence how an individual thinks and perceives their world. For example, the grieving individual might feel a sense of dissociation and distance from reality, linked to feelings of disbelief concerning the loss. They may also experience confusion, poor memory, and lack of focus.

Emotional symptoms

The most typical symptom of grief is negative emotion. The spectrum of possible emotions can be diverse, including depression, guilt, anger, hostility, anxiety, despair, hopelessness, and feelings of isolation. These emotions rarely occur simultaneously and may appear in connected but distinct phases.

Interpersonal symptoms

The effects of grief can spill over into the grieving individual’s relationships with others. For example, grief is often accompanied by social withdrawal and feelings of distance or resentment toward relationships that may have been healthy before.

Lifestyle symptoms

Finally, symptoms of grief can also be observed in lifestyle changes, such as failing to perform daily routines and self-care and resigning from activities that the grieving individual previously found stimulating.

The role of anger while grieving

It may surprise you to see anger mentioned as one of the possible symptoms of grief. Anger is essentially our brain protesting against something we are experiencing that is perceived as unjust and frustrating.

A grieving individual is beset by a number of confusing and stressful experiences caused by a loss that is often perceived as unfair and frustratingly uncontrollable. In this sense, anger and grief go hand in hand, as anger provides a way of expressing the powerlessness and despair experienced by the grieving individual (Rueth & Hall, 1999).

The consequence of this is that it may seem as though the individual is hostile or bitter toward surrounding people or themselves. But it is important to look past this and recognize that anger may be a necessary expression of the deeper psychological stress of grief.

How long does grief last?

Fundamentally, the duration of grief depends on the nature of what was lost. It stands to reason that the more intensely your client is affected by this loss, the longer it will take them to heal. For example, grief following the loss of a beloved pet or a valued job is no less legitimate than grief following the loss of a loved one, but it is likely to be less intense and, therefore, shorter.

To understand the processing of an immense loss, various theories have been modeled. Below are four main theories.

Grief response model: The 5 stages of grief

A popular theoretical approach is to structure grief as a progression through a series of stages that follow a systematic and often linear order.

Kübler-Ross (1969) proposed a five-stage theory based on the experiences of terminally ill individuals coming to terms with their death. Here, grief begins with denial, in which the grieving individual is not merely unable to process their loss, but actively unwilling, and they will try in vain to avoid acknowledging what has happened.

This leads to the next stage, in which failure to deny the loss forces the individual to face it, causing acute feelings of frustration and bitterness that manifest as anger and hostility.

When anger does not provide comfort, grief then evolves into attempts to bargain, characterized by the grieving individual seeking means to reverse the loss in return for a sacrifice, often involving appeals to religion or spirituality. This often does not succeed, and the grieving individual may increasingly ruminate over the loss and experience feelings of guilt or despair as they consider how it could have been avoided.

This leads to depression, as the individual resigns to their fate while still fundamentally existing in a state of conflict with their loss. The silver lining of this otherwise bleak stage is that the individual no longer attempts to avoid accepting their grief (through denial, bargaining, etc.), which eventually leads to true acceptance and letting go of their loss, or at least reaching a state of amnesty.

An alternative theoretical perspective is referred to as ‘grief work.’ Grief work assumes that an individual will not be able to overcome their grief unless they actively try to let go of what was lost. Once they do this, they can take the energy that was invested into despair and use it constructively to adapt to any changes that have happened because of the loss (Lindemann, 1944).

Worden (1982) provided a formal description of this process of grief work in the form of a series of tasks that the grieving individual needs to work through in sequence in order to accept their loss and move on.

The first task is to accept that the loss has actually occurred and move past any attempt at denial. The second task is to allow the pain of grief to be experienced without attempting to suppress or redirect this pain elsewhere.

The third task is to accept that life no longer features whatever was lost and begin to adapt to this new life. The final task is to take the energy that was invested into the relationship that was lost and reinvest it into a new or existing relationship.

The grief cycle

Not all theoretical approaches to grief are structured as a linear progression through a series of stages. Some prefer to represent grief as a cyclical process, where the grieving individual repeats phases multiple times on a gradual journey to recovery.

The dual process model of grief (Stroebe & Schut, 1999) is an example of a cyclical model, in which the grieving individual oscillates between two processes of grief. The first, loss orientation, involves acknowledging the loss and experiencing associated pain as a necessary process of emotional healing.

The second, restoration orientation, involves stepping away from emotion and dealing with the more practical lifestyle issues caused by what was lost. These two processes cycle repeatedly, gradually healing the grieving individual, until they can move on from their loss.

The grief curve

The theories described above may be unnecessarily complex for your practice or may not be easily communicated to your client. If this is the case, a much simpler way of thinking about grief is the idea of the grief curve. This concept was originally developed to complement the Kübler-Ross (1969) stage theory described above, but it can be used independently of a specific theory.

The grief curve is a simple representation of grief as a U-shaped curve, moving from high morale and energy, to low morale and hopelessness, and then back to high morale and energy. The high point at the beginning of the curve is characterized by the almost manic energy of denial, shock, and anger.

The low point in the middle of the curve is the depth of despair and depression after the initial investment of energy proves futile. Finally, the high point at the end of the curve is the restoration of energy and morale as the loss is accepted and life resumes.

Download 3 Grief & Bereavement Exercises (PDF)

These detailed, science-based exercises will equip you or your clients with tools to process grief and move forward after experiencing loss.

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The severe emotional pain experienced in grief can have a profound effect on the brain and body as well. You may have noted this earlier when potential physical symptoms of grief were described.

This is a stark reminder of the connection between our mental and physical health, and it can be useful to have a sense of the latter when working with your client on the former.

Grief is associated with noticeable changes in brain activity detectable via neuroimaging. These changes are seen in a variety of brain regions linked to different aspects of the grief experience.

When exposed to words related to their loss, grieving individuals exhibited increased activity in the amygdala, an ancient region of the brain strongly implicated in negative emotion and fear. Regions associated with rumination also show increased activity, similar to individuals with clinical depression (Freed, Yanagihara, Hirsch, & Mann, 2009; O’Connor, 2019).

Another study found that recovery from grief was slower in grieving individuals who had higher activity in the nucleus accumbens, a region of the brain associated with the pursuit of desires, which likely reflects ongoing activity to seek out what was lost (O’Connor et al., 2008).

This is a cross-section of grief in the brain, but grief also has longer term effects. Individuals who experience severe long-term grief exhibit greater cognitive decline , which is an early indicator of serious acquired neurodegenerative conditions, such as Alzheimer’s disease (O’Connor, 2019).

Use this to empower your client, by impressing upon them how important their efforts to overcome their grief are and that their grief is legitimized by clear physical fingerprints in their brain.

Terms like heartbreak are used colloquially in the description of grief, and clients may express the subjective feeling of pain in their heart accompanying their despair and anxiety.

But this feeling may be more than subjective. ‘Broken-heart phenomenon’ has been the topic of serious scientific study. This phenomenon refers to the increased risk of mortality following the loss of a loved one and, in particular, the risk of death from cardiovascular disease.

In a large-scale survey of widowers, the risk of coronary heart disease was twice as high in the six months following their loss. Another study suggested this increased risk of heart disease was even more significant than the risk associated with smoking (O’Connor, 2019).

The physical stress associated with heartbreak should therefore be taken quite literally. Again, use this as an opportunity to affirm your client’s choices and potentially explore stress management therapies that may help reduce this risk.

However, for some individuals, this process is not so straightforward. The grieving process can become obstructed or set on a trajectory that resembles a downward gradient (as opposed to the U-shaped curve that represents the normal trajectory of grief). This stretches the duration of the grief experience into years and transforms it from a healthy process into a serious mental health issue.

The term ‘ complicated grief’ is used to differentiate this form of grief from normal grieving.

Complicated grief represents an issue that warrants a clinical approach, as the grieving individual needs professional intervention to avoid spiraling into deeper trauma. In other words, if normal grief is a medicine, complicated grief is a serious allergic reaction to that medicine that requires medical assistance.

Can grief cause depression?

The fatigue and hopelessness experienced by an individual struggling with long-term complicated grief may be a risk factor for comorbid depression, which may then further complicate their already complicated grief.

However, while complicated grief and depression have a lot in common, it is nevertheless important to view complicated grief as a distinct condition.

Where depression is characterized by a sense of self-loathing, this is not seen in grief, and where depression is a generalized loss of interest in life, grief is characterized by an obsessive but painful interest in returning what was lost.

As a result, treating complicated grief should be seen as the priority and not confused with treating any accompanying depression (Shear, 2012).

Can grief and loss lead to anxiety?

Anxiety is a common emotional symptom of grief, characterized by feelings of separation anxiety , feeling overwhelmed, and social anxiety. An individual with complicated grief may experience significant trauma from the long-term experience of this anxiety, and this trauma may be sufficient to trigger an anxiety disorder.

Unfortunately, it can be difficult to identify what anxiety is because of grief and what might be due to an acquired disorder. If you are concerned about your client’s anxiety, work with them to see whether they could meet the criteria of panic disorder or generalized anxiety disorder. This may help you avoid losing track of your client’s grief amid other conditions they may be experiencing.

17 Exercises For Grief & Bereavement

Apply these 17 Grief & Bereavement Exercises [PDF] to help others process difficult emotions, leverage self-compassion, and find balance following painful loss.

Created by Experts. 100% Science-based.

As part of our Positive Psychology Toolkit© , for which you can purchase an annual subscription, we offer over 400 tools and exercises, plus access to our community of professionals.

Some of our tools that can assist with grief are mentioned below.

• Acknowledging loss can be difficult, especially if the loss is the death of a loved one. It can be helpful to approach acknowledging this loss through a structured and positive framework, which is exactly what The Life Certificate exercise provides.
• Experiencing the pain of loss is a necessary part of grieving. Fostering acceptance of these emotions may help your client cope with this challenging aspect of grieving. They may benefit from practicing our Acceptance of Emotions Meditation .
• For a more striking demonstration, they may find the Practicing Acceptance With Ice Cubes exercise useful.
• Finally, they may benefit from using our worksheet on Identifying Emotional Avoidance Strategies .

Another resource that is well worth mentioning is our article Coping With Grief for Children .

If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others move through grief in a compassionate way, this collection contains 17 validated grief and bereavement exercises . Use them to help others find balance as they attempt to make sense of a life that has been irrevocably changed.

Grief has a variety of typical symptoms, but these symptoms may appear in a different combination or intensity between individuals.

Grief is a normal and healthy process, but can be associated with negative changes to physical health. Be vigilant for complicated grief, which poses a serious mental health concern.

There are a number of theoretical approaches to understanding grief and complicated grief. Reflect on the theories you’ve read about here, and think about which (if any) you identify with or recognize in your client.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Grief Exercises [PDF] for free .

• Dunne, K. (2004). Grief and its manifestations. Nursing Standard,   18 (45), 45–51.
• Freed, P. J., Yanagihara, T. K., Hirsch, J., & Mann, J. J. (2009). Neural mechanisms of grief regulation. Biological Psychiatry , 66 (1), 33–40.
• Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying . Simon and Schuster.
• Lindemann, E. (1944). Symptomatology and management of acute grief. American Journal of Psychiatry , 101 (2), 141–148.
• O’Connor, M. F., Wellisch, D. K., Stanton, A. L., Eisenberger, N. I., Irwin, M. R., & Lieberman, M. D. (2008). Craving love? Enduring grief activates brain’s reward center. NeuroImage , 42 (2), 969–972.
• O’Connor, M. F. (2019). Grief: A brief history of research on how body, mind, and brain adapt. Psychosomatic Medicine , 81 (8), 731–738.
• Rueth, T. W., & Hall, S. E. (1999). Dealing with the anger and hostility of those who grieve. The American Journal of Hospice & Palliative Care , 16 (6), 743–746.
• Shear, M. K. (2012). Grief and mourning gone awry: Pathway and course of complicated grief. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience , 14 (2), 119–128.
• Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1998). Culture and grief. Bereavement Care , 17 (1), 7–11.
• Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies , 23 (3), 197–224.
• Worden, W. (1982). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner . Springer.

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What our readers think.

This is very insightful. I work in behavioral health and addiction treatment and this topic is important in recovery. Many people do not understand grief or how to cope and heal from it. In turn, this often leads to serious mental health and behavioral issues. I’ve learned through my work that grief is often the result of deep rooted trauma, which manifests as addiction. Thank you for your efforts on educating people to the importance of understanding grief.

I received an email from Seph with resources, articles on 13 Types of Grief, and the 10 Grief Counseling Therapy Techniques. Thank you, I will be trying them out. I am open to any other resources.

Dear Dr. Celestine, I run a program for the VA, a weekly Zoom meeting group for Vietnam Veterans with PTSD. For this aging population William’s article is very relevant. Unfortunately they are not eager to read longer partly-scientific articles, however beneficial or relevant, but prefer talks, videos, etc. Do you know of any videos, TEDtalks, or other presentations which provide (even parts of) this information?

Thank you, Jon

Thank you, William. I am the founder and senior consultant of Optimum Practice Solutions. My focus is on providing organizational management tools and techniques as well as other solutions to support the veterinary and medical professions.

I write educational articles 3-4 times a month which are sent to my subscriber list via email. With a high rate of mental illness and suicide in veterinary medicine and the healthcare profession, I’d like to reprint this article with you as a Guest in one of my upcoming articles. You’ll find me on LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/marylemalloy/

Let me know as soon as possible if I have your permission.

Thanks for your interest. Could you please send a few details about your organization, the purpose for which you’d like to republish this article, and the contact for your publishing manager via our contact form here , and we will be in touch 🙂

– Nicole | Community Manager

can’t seem to download 3 free PDF exercises. It keeps taking me to buy 17 grief exercises, which I already bought.

Hi Christi,

Sorry for the confusion. The 3 PDF exercises will be automatically sent to your email after entering your address, so please check your inbox (and your junk if they are not there).

Let me know if this helps.

Thank you so much for the wonderful , detailed information. These resources help in supporting the clients. These kind of resources help the therapist to connect with the clients and help them in their journey.

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12 Insights Into Grieving After The Death Of Your Loved One

Understanding Grief is Another Expression of Love

Helping A Grieving Grandparent

12 Insights into Grieving After the Death of Your Loved One By Therese A. Rando, Ph.D., BCETS, BCBT

The journey through grief is different for all of us … we all take our own path.

Someone you love has died. This presents you with one of the most challenging experiences any human being can face—coping with the loss of your loved one in your life. In this article, you will learn about your grief (experiencing your reactions to the loss of your loved one) and your mourning (making necessary readjustments to ultimately fit that loss into your life).

Learning how to grieve healthfully and to mourn so that you can learn to adapt to life in the absence of your loved one, is no simple task. It often requires more work, takes more time and is more impacting than most people anticipate. These 12 insights will help you better appreciate the true realities of your own particular bereavement, respond more effectively to what you encounter in it and have more appropriate expectations of yourself along the way.

Insight #1: Grief is personal and unique.

Your grief is as personal and unique as your fingerprint; no one else will have the same bereavement experience as you and there is not one “correct” way to respond to loss.

There are literally 37 sets of factors that influence any individual’s grief. They combine to make your own bereavement distinct from everybody else’s—even different from that of others in your own family who are mourning the loss of the same person! Although one person has died, you and every other individual mourning that person actually experience different losses. This is because no 2 people can have the exact same relationship with another individual, and it is the loss of that specific relationship that is mourned when the person died. Also, it is because no 2 people ever bring to a situation the same strengths and weaknesses, the same past experiences or the same social and cultural conditioning.

• The nature and meaning of their particular relationship with the person who died.
• Their own personal characteristics and life history.
• The specific aspects of their loved one’s death.
• The social situation surrounding them.
• Their physical state.

Given all of the things that determine a person’s reactions, you can see why there is absolutely no way in which anyone else could grieve or mourn in the very same way as you. For this reason as well, there is no one correct way to respond to loss. While there are some common processes that people must undergo to learn to live healthfully with a major loss, everyone will go about these in their unique fashion.

• Do not let anyone tell you how you need to grieve and mourn.
• Be careful about comparing your experiences with those of others.

Insight #2: You are dealing with more than one loss.

With the death of your loved one, you experience so much more than merely one loss. The losses that go along with or develop as a consequence of your loved one’s death are known as secondary losses.

They are not necessarily secondary in terms of their importance to you, only in terms of their being dependent upon the death of your loved one. Secondary losses, like any other losses, can be either physical (for instance, the loss of a house because you cannot afford to live there anymore) or psycho-social (for example, the loss of a relationship). Part of mourning your loved one means identifying and mourning the inevitable secondary losses that develop for you as a consequence of your loved one’s death.

• The loss of the roles that your loved one specifically had played for you (for instance, spouse, best friend, sexual partner, confidant, cook, co-parent, travel companion).
• The loss of meaning and satisfaction in the role you played in your loved one's life.
• The loss of all of the hopes and dreams you had for and with that person.

Secondary losses in your assumptive world

Importantly, secondary losses can also occur in what is known as your assumptive world. This is the unique set of expectations, assumptions and beliefs that you formerly had held about life, the ways it works, spiritual matters and the existence of your loved ones. With the death of your loved one, you lose all of the assumptions, expectations and beliefs that had been based upon your loved one being alive (for example, “he’ll always be there for me if I need him” or “she will make me a grandparent”).

• your belief in God
• your security in the world
• your expectations about life being predictable and fair

These are additional secondary losses you must deal with over and above the actual loss of that person.

• Over time, identify the secondary losses that come to you as a result of your loved one’s death so that you can mourn them—they are part of your bereavement.
• Work to revise your assumptive world insofar as elements of it are no longer valid or have been shattered because of your loved one’s death.

Insight #3: Don't underestimate your grief.

The depth and breadth of your acute grief reactions to the loss of your loved one should not be underestimated.

• Your feelings about the loss and the deprivation it causes (for example, sorrow, depression, guilt).
• Your product at the loss and your wish to undo it and have it not be true (such as, anger, “searching” for your lost loved one, preoccupation with that person).
• The personal effects caused to you by the assault of this loss upon you (for instance, fear and anxiety, disorganization and confusion, lack of physical well-being).
• Your personal behaviors stimulated by any of the above (including, among others, crying, social withdrawal, increased use of drugs and alcohol).
• Psychologically in your feelings, thoughts, wishes, perceptions and attempts at coping.
• Through your behaviors.
• In your social responses to others.
• Through your physical health.
• it can be so unexpectedly intense
• can make you feel very different than before
• may overtax your normal coping mechanisms
• can sometimes leave you feeling totally numb
• typically involves so many more aspects of your life than you would have expected

For instance, you might be surprised to find that while you may have assumed that you’d have many emotional reactions to your loved one’s death, you didn’t anticipate that you’d have difficulty remembering what you needed at the grocery store or even how to get there. You can be stunned to discover that your normally clear thinking has diminished, your usual sunny disposition has temporarily disappeared, your concern for others has evaporated at this point or that your decision-making abilities are gone for now. The job or personal activities you’ve been engaged in for years might now seem strange and may require much personal effort, if you can muster it at all. These and an infinite variety of other reactions illustrate that with the death of your loved one, for a period of time your world—and your experience of being in it—is different than ever before

• Remember that this is a process and not a state you will stay stuck in. Give yourself permission to express your reactions in ways that work for you.
• Recognize that your reactions may be quite diverse and different than you had anticipated, often making you feel very different than your usual self.

Insight #4: Grief does not solely affect your emotions.

Grief does not mean that you will only be sad. It is a myth that grief solely affects your feelings. Grief is a “whole person” experience, and you probably will notice it affecting most, or all, areas of your life. Some people can cope better in some areas than others (for example, you may be able to control it when you are at work, although you might have more difficulty doing so on the ride home). However, there are plenty of mourners who have difficulty across the board in all parts of their lives.

It is also a myth that sadness is the only emotion you will experience. There are a great many other feelings that can come with the loss of a loved one.

• helplessness
• feeling overwhelmed
• longing for your loved one
• frustration
• feelings of unreality
• abandonment
• fear of going crazy
• impaired concentration
• disorganization
• obsession with your loved one
• avoidance of things associated with the death
• intrusive thoughts and flashbacks
• spiritual distress
• restlessness or agitation
• a sense of meaninglessness

Sometimes you may feel disconnected from others with whom you’ve previously been close. At other times, you can wonder “what’s the use?” and wish that you could die too. While these are not abnormal in the abstract, if you seriously consider suicide or fail to take appropriate care of yourself in such a way that you put yourself at risk for death from illness or injury, then you must seek professional assistance.

Behavioral changes

Additionally, you can expect that your behavior will be affected for a while. Among many possible reactions, you may find that you respond to others differently than you had before. Your behavior could be more disorganized and you might have little interest in those things that were formerly of concern to you. You may cry or, on the other hand, have no ability to shed a tear. You could have sleep problems and appetite changes; develop temporary problems in your personal, social and work functioning; and become physically run down or have specific medical symptoms that indicate stress, depression and anxiety. A lack of feeling of well-being is common. You should be aware that the loss of a loved one leaves you susceptible to illness and injury. As a result, you will need both to monitor yourself and take care of yourself, including getting proper medical care.

• Expect that you will be affected in all, or many, areas of your life.
• Make sure you have proper medical assistance with those reactions that are medical in nature and seek mental health assistance if you are suicidal, self-destructive or worried that your reactions are abnormal.

Insight #5: It takes time.

Your acute grief entails your having to gradually learn the reality of your loved one’s loss, and to appreciate that you cannot grasp that fact or its implications without sufficient time and experiences to “teach” you. Intellectually, you may know right away in your head that your loved one has died. However, it takes much longer to truly recognize this reality and internalize it to where it is something you can understand

24 hours a day, 7 days a week

Even if it is not a sudden death, but particularly if it is, you have to learn that your loved one is no longer here through your experiences of bumping up against the world in their absence. This means that grief and mourning focus not only on your feelings, but also upon your comprehending that your loved one has died and your ultimate making sense of that reality.

Each time you want and need to be with your loved one—to see, touch, hear, taste or smell that person—and you are frustrated in your desire to do so, you “learn” once again that your loved one is dead. In acute grief, each pang of grief, each stab of pain when your expectation, desire or need for your loved one is unmet, brings you yet another “lesson” that your loved one is no longer here. You want to resist it and have the “lesson” not be true. Like a habit you don’t want to relinquish, you don’t want to let go of having your loved one in your life.

After countless times of experiencing an unrequited need to be reunited with that loved one, you learn not to need that person in the same way as before. This is not an all-or-nothing event. It is a process in which you have fluctuating abilities to grasp the reality of the death. This occurs until at some point it becomes a permanent realization for you, despite your wishes to the contrary.

• Understand that much of the painfulness of your bereavement comes from your having to continuously “learn” over a period of time that your loved one has died.
• Expect that it will take you many months, or in the case of sudden death a couple of years, before you can truly and permanently grasp that your loved one is gone and understand the implications of that (while in the interim, you’ll fluctuate in your comprehension of it).

Insight #6: Grief is not the same as mourning.

You need to do more to cope with your loved one’s death than just express your feelings. While many people use the terms grief and mourning interchangeably, they are different in meaning and their distinctions have important implications for you as a mourner.

• Grief is the process of experiencing your reactions to your loss.
• In contrast, mourning is what you do to cope with that loss being in your life.

While mourning commences with your expression of your grief reactions, it then must include much more. This is because merely expressing feelings won’t accomplish what you need to do—which is to make the necessary internal and external changes to be able to incorporate that loss into your ongoing life and learn to live with it.

Mourning demands that over time you make a series of readjustments to cope with, compensate for and adapt to your losses.

• yourself in terms of your relationship with your deceased loved one (you have to move from a here-and-now physical relationship to an abstract relationship).
• yourself (you must make the changes that the death has made necessary in your assumptive world and in your identity).
• your being in the external world (you need to learn how to live healthfully in the new world without your loved one).

Healthy mourning also means that you relearn the world in the absence of your loved one and that you reconstruct meaning in your life in light of this death and what it has brought to you. For all of these reasons, merely expressing your grief without undertaking the necessary changes to fit the loss into your life is simply insufficient in coping with major loss.

Suggestions:

• Over time work to make the necessary readjustments in your relationship with your loved one, in yourself and in your ways of being in the external world so that you can fit this loss into your life.

Insight #7: The circumstances of this death will have a profound influence on you.

One of the strongest elements influencing your grief and mourning is the type of death your loved one experienced.

Sudden death

To whatever extent the death was sudden and unanticipated, you will experience a type of personal traumatization along with your grief. This comes from the death having caught you off-guard and unprepared. Such a death is often shocking, alarmingly disturbing and frighteningly distressing. It acts to increase the problems and distress you experience with the loss, while at the same time temporarily decreasing your coping abilities and psychological functioning. In essence, you have more to deal with and fewer resources to help you do so.

• heightened emotional reactions
• no opportunity to say good-bye and finish unfinished emotional business
• greater disbelief
• a focus on what was happening in the relationship at the time of the death
• a tendency to obsessively review events that led up to it

If you believe that your loved one’s death was preventable, you may feel a need to determine responsibility and secure appropriate punishment for those deemed at fault.

A life-threatening illness

Losing a loved one from a life-threatening illness brings its own issues to your bereavement. You may have undergone a special type of traumatization as you contended with the separation distress evoked by your witnessing of your loved one’s dying. You can have even further traumatization if you were exposed to horrific stimuli (such as sights, smells, sounds) during the illness or were confronted with overwhelming emotions (such as anxiety, guilt, sorrow, depression, anger, helplessness) and/or conflicting demands (for instance, taking care of your dying loved one while still trying to pay attention to other family members).

If, during the illness, you had the understandable wish for it to end or had prayed for respite and relief, after the death you can feel guilty if you fail to appreciate the normalcy of this. The length, course and specific demands of the illness may have left you and your family depleted psychologically, socially, physically and financially. You may not know what to do with your life now that you are no longer a caregiver to a dying person.

• If your loved one died suddenly, get yourself assistance in coping with the personal traumatization you experienced and the extra reactions you have.
• If your loved one died from an illness, develop an accurate appreciation of how illness can affect those left behind and look for ways to rejoin the world if you had spent much of your time care-taking.

Insight #8: Your grief will not proceed in a fixed sequence.

Your grief reactions will not necessarily decline consistently over time or be over in a year, and will not fail to come up again once they subside. Despite popular notions otherwise, there is not a standard series of stages through which you must pass in your grief. Certainly, some reactions do precede others (for instance, if you do not acknowledge the reality of your loss, then you have nothing to mourn). However, for the most part there is not a rigid sequence that unfolds. Along with this, it is not true that grief reactions necessarily diminish in intensity in a straight line over time.

The ups and downs

Depending upon the circumstances of your loved one’s death and your own situation as a mourner, your grief can fluctuate enormously. It may have ups and downs, twists and turns and absences and presences of different reactions as time moves forward. Often mourners can incorrectly believe that there is something wrong with them when they feel worse after feeling better for a while. Many times, this merely reflects their coming out of their shock, their increasing awareness of the reality of the death, or the fact that others are not offering support as they had earlier.

Because different bereavements have such diverse patterns, it is important that you get accurate information before assuming that you’re not normal because your reactions are not consistently diminishing.

There is nothing magical about the one-year period that so many people incorrectly believe should mark the end of your grief. Your grief reactions will subside when it is time for them to do so in your unique situation, not just because 365 days have passed. For some mourners this will have been sufficient time; for others, it won’t have been.

Even after your acute grief reactions are long gone, there may be many times in the future when certain experiences catalyze what are termed "subsequent temporary upsurges of grief" or STUG reactions. These are brief periods of acute grief for the loss of your loved one that are stimulated by something that underscores the absence of your loved one and/or resurrects memories of the death, your loved one or your feelings about the loss. Everyone can expect to have some of these in life after the loss of a loved one. While sometimes they can signal problems, far more often they merely are part of the normal living with the loss of a beloved person.

• Give yourself permission to have your reactions unfold without automatically thinking you are backsliding if you feel worse after feeling better.
• Incorporate into your long-term view that your grief reactions can last longer than a year and that there will be times, long after you have stopped acutely grieving, that your grief reactions will temporarily be resurrected by events in life. This is a normal part of living with the loss of a loved one.

Insight #9: Healthy mourning does not mean "letting go" of your lost loved one.

In our society, there is a curious social phenomenon. On the one hand, we have relationships with dead people all the time. We learn about dead people in history, are influenced by them in philosophy and are moved by them in the arts. We celebrate holidays to remember them, dedicate buildings in their honor and visit museums to see how they lived. In virtually all aspects of our lives, we are in a “relationship” with the dead.

The double standard

However, on the other hand we are told that we have to “get on with life” and “let go and put the past behind.” It seems that in Western society it is acceptable to have a relationship with a dead person as long as you didn’t know that individual personally. This is why you could be criticized for displaying a certain photograph of your departed loved one, but it is permissible to have Princess Diana’s face on a memorial plate hanging on your wall. Clearly, there is a double standard.

• truly recognizes the reality of your loved one’s death and what its implications are for you
• does not keep you from moving forward adaptively in your new life
• talk about that person
• act on their concerns and values
• think about him/her
• consider his/her feelings and perspectives on matters when actions are necessary
• appropriate identification with your loved one
• use tangible objects (such as photographs, videos, mementos, articles of clothing, prized possessions, or jewelry) to be a symbolic mark of his/her existence in your life
• pray to your loved one
• actively recall memories
• enjoy and appreciate life because of having known and loved him/her
• undertake actions to make sure that he/she is remembered and/or that something meaningful comes out of their death
• Discover ways that are healthy and personally meaningful to you in which you can maintain appropriate connections with your loved one, recognizing that others may think this unhealthy.
• If it is important for you, look for ways to take courses of action that can constructively keep your loved one’s memory alive socially.

Insight #10: Others will not understand.

Others will not necessarily understand what you are going through or know how to reach out and support you. Despite the fact that people have lost loved ones from the beginning of time, the human race is not always very effective in consoling and supporting the bereaved. This means that even though you are the mourner, and perhaps extremely overwhelmed and exhausted, you will often have to be the one to summon the energy to educate those around you about what you are experiencing and how they can be helpful to you. Also, because there is so much misinformation about grief and mourning, you have to help these individuals get rid of the incorrect notions so that they can take in more accurate ones.

This is not to discourage you, but to enable you to better understand why some folks may not be doing what you need and why their expectation of you can be so inaccurate. Most of the errors made by others that hurt you stem from a combination of people’s misunderstandings about your experience and from their trying to protect themselves from awareness of what you are undergoing because it is simply too painful and/or scary for them to contemplate.

• Ask for what you need from others.
• Don’t expect others to know what your needs are and what your limits should be.

Insight #11: Do not ignore the children.

Because children do not respond exactly like adults does not mean that they don’t need to be given information about the death or to be included in the family’s activities and discussions around it. Consistently, people underestimate their children’s needs when it comes to bereavement.

• They don’t understand.
• They don’t need to be involved.
• They can easily be brushed off about the topic.
• They are relatively oblivious to the subtle and not-so-subtle distress of others.
• They don’t think and worry about death and what its implications are for them and their loved ones.

Far too often, this results in children failing to receive the necessary communication, information and support that could best help them to contend with their own grief and mourning and that of others.

While it is true that children are in many ways different than adults and do require that their bereavement needs be responded to by adults in fashions that speak to their particular developmental levels, it is also true that children and adults share many things in common. Among these are the need to have their losses acknowledged and to have the support and resources that can best help them to deal with their reactions to the death of their loved one.

Educate yourself

It is beyond the scope of this article to educate in-depth about the needs and experiences of bereaved children. Suffice it to say that it is crucial that the caring adults in a child’s life be aware of the issue in childhood bereavement and respond appropriately to them. Failure to do so can interfere not only with healthy mourning, but also with overall healthy development of the child in general. It is also critical that adults remain aware that one of the most important determinants of a child’s grief and mourning is how that child’s caretaking adults are affected by their own bereavement. For these reasons, it is important that you seek out information about bereaved children and how to assist them from a well-trained physician, clergy person, counselor, funeral director or educator. Often, reputable support groups have this information as well.

• Operate with the knowledge that children do grieve and mourn and that you need to find the most effective ways to support them.
• Appropriately include children in rituals (such as funerals, remembrance services and religious ceremonies), family activities and conversations pertaining to their deceased loved one, but make sure to do it at levels that are suitable for their developmental ages.

Insight #12: Many mourners have the wrong notion about what "recovery" means.

Even if you grieve and mourn in the healthiest ways possible, there will always be an emotional scar that marks the loss of your loved one. Learning to live healthfully with that scar is the very best that a mourner can expect. Like physical scars, the scar of your loved one’s loss reveals that there has been an injury, but does not have to interfere with current functioning. Also, like physical scars, on some occasions there can be pain (for instance, if you bang the scar or the weather is bad), but in general it does not ache or throb.

"Recovery" is a relative term

“Recovery” after the death of a loved one must be put in quotes to illustrate that it is a relative term. It does not mean a once-and-for-all closure in which you complete your mourning and it never surfaces again. There will be numerous times throughout your life when you experience the reactions mentioned earlier and these can be appropriate and expectable.

It's not about closure

Closure is for business deals and bank accounts. It is not for major loss, where the heart and mind typically reflect the notion of forgetting our loved one and seek ultimately to learn how to live with our loss and adjust our lives accordingly in the absence of the person who is gone, but remembered. This does not mean that you would have chosen this loss or that you had been unmoved by it, only that you no longer have to fight it. You take it in the sense of learning to live with it as an inescapable fact of your life. Like many mourners, you can determine to make something good come out of your loss. This is another way to make a positive meaning out of what had been a negative event.

• Look for specific ways in which you can transcend this event. In other words, work to make something good happen out of it.
• Ultimately, healthfully integrate this loss and its effects upon you into your life story, but make it one chapter—perhaps the biggest and most profound—and not the whole book, as it can be when it initially happens.

About the author

Dr. Rando is a clinical psychologist in Warwick, Rhode Island, and the clinical director of The Institute for the Study and Treatment of Loss, which provides mental health services through psychotherapy, training, supervision and consultation. Since 1970 she has consulted, conducted research, provided therapy, written and lectured internationally in areas related to loss, grief, illness, dying and trauma.

Dr. Rando holds a doctoral degree in psychology from the University of Rhode Island and has received advanced training in psychotherapy and in medical consultation-liaison psychiatry at Case Western Reserve University Medical School and University Hospitals of Cleveland. Dr. Rando has published 70 works pertaining to the clinical aspects of thanatology and serves on the Editorial Boards of Death Studies and Omega.

Dr. Rando has been the recipient of many awards for her contributions to the field of thanatology and has appeared on numerous television programs, such as “Dateline,” CBS “This Morning,” “Today Show,” “Good Morning, America,” “CNN & Time,” CNBC “Upfront Tonight” and “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” She has provided commentary for The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, USA Today, Newsweek and U.S. News and World Report, among many others.

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What is grief?

The grieving process, what are the five stages of grief, symptoms of grief, types of grief, seeking support for grief and loss, taking care of yourself as you grieve, coping with grief and loss.

Whatever type of loss you’ve suffered, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. But by understanding the stages and types of grief, you can find healthier ways to cope.

Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. Often, the pain of loss can feel overwhelming. You may experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness. The pain of grief can also disrupt your physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat, or even think straight. These are normal reactions to loss—and the more significant the loss, the more intense your grief will be.

Coping with the loss of someone or something you love is one of life’s biggest challenges. You may associate grieving with the death of a loved one —which is often the cause of the most intense type of grief—but any loss can cause grief, including:

• Divorce or relationship breakup
• Loss of health
• Losing a job
• Loss of  financial stability
• A miscarriage
• Death of a pet
• Loss of a cherished dream
• A loved one’s  serious illness
• Loss of a friendship
• Loss of safety after a trauma
• Selling the family home

Even subtle losses in life can trigger a sense of grief. For example, you might grieve after moving away from home, graduating from college, or changing jobs.

Whatever your loss, it’s personal to you, so don’t feel ashamed about how you feel, or believe that it’s somehow only appropriate to grieve for certain things. If the person, animal, relationship, or situation was significant to you, it’s normal to grieve the loss you’re experiencing. Whatever the cause of your grief, though, there are healthy ways to cope with the pain that, in time, can ease your sadness and help you come to terms with your loss, find new meaning, and eventually move on with your life.

The grief of losing a loved one

Whether it’s a close friend, spouse, partner, parent, child, or other relative, few things are as painful as losing someone you love. After such a significant loss, life may never seem quite the same again. But in time, you can ease your sorrow, start to look to the future, and eventually come to terms with your loss.

Read: Bereavement: Grieving the Loss of a Loved One .

Grieving is a highly individual experience; there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and how significant the loss was to you.

Inevitably, the grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and  there is no “normal” timetable for grieving . Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.

Myths and facts about grief and grieving

The pain will go away faster if you ignore it

Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing, it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

It’s important to “be strong” in the face of loss.

Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.

Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

Grieving should last about a year.

There is no specific time frame for grieving. How long it takes differs from person to person.

Moving on with your life means forgetting about your loss.

Moving on means you’ve accepted your loss—but that’s not the same as forgetting. You can move on with your life and keep the memory of someone or something you lost as an important part of you. In fact, as we move through life, these memories can become more and more integral to defining the people we are.

How to deal with the grieving process

While grieving a loss is an inevitable part of life, there are ways to help cope with the pain, come to terms with your grief, and eventually, find a way to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

• Acknowledge your pain.
• Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.
• Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you.
• Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you.
• Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically.
• Recognize the difference between grief and depression.

Speak to a Licensed Therapist

BetterHelp is an online therapy service that matches you to licensed, accredited therapists who can help with depression, anxiety, relationships, and more. Take the assessment and get matched with a therapist in as little as 48 hours.

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.” These stages of grief were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but many people have generalized them to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one or a break-up.

The five stages of grief

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”

Anger: “ Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”

Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”

Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”

Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

If you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural and that you’ll heal in time. However, not everyone who grieves goes through all of these stages—and that’s okay. Contrary to popular belief,  you do not have to go through each stage in order to heal. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through  any of these stages. And if you do go through these stages of grief, you probably won’t experience them in a neat, sequential order, so don’t worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be in.

Kübler-Ross herself never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said of the five stages of grief: “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but  there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss.  Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”

Grief can be a roller coaster

Instead of a series of stages, we might also think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning, the lows may be deeper and longer.

The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss. Even years after a loss, especially at special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief.

Source: Hospice Foundation of America

While loss affects people in different ways, many of us experience the following symptoms when we’re grieving. Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal—including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious or spiritual beliefs.

Emotional symptoms of grief

Shock and disbelief. Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If a pet or someone you love has died, for example, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they’re gone.

Sadness. Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.

Guilt. You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (feeling relieved when a person died after a long, difficult illness, for example). You may even feel guilty for not doing more to prevent your loss, even if it was completely out of your hands.

Fear. A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. If you’ve lost your partner, your job, or your home, for example, you may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure about the future. You may even have panic attacks . The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.

[Read: Dealing with Uncertainty]

Anger. Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.

Physical symptoms of grief

We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including:

• Lowered immunity
• Weight loss or weight gain
• Aches and pains

Since the experience of grieving following the loss of someone or something important to you tends to be unique to you, it’s difficult to label any type of grief as either “normal” or “abnormal”. However, there are types of grief that fall outside the expected symptoms and reactions described above. These include:

Anticipatory grief

As the name suggests, anticipatory grief develops before a significant loss occurs rather than after. If a loved one is terminally ill, for example, you have an aging pet, or you know that your retirement or job loss is imminent you may start grieving your loss before it has fully unfolded.

[Read: When a Loved One is Terminally Ill]

Like conventional grief, anticipatory grief can involve a mix of confusing emotions, particularly anger. Some people even equate it to giving up hope and refuse to allow themselves to grieve before their loss has occurred. However, anticipatory grief can also give you chance to prepare for your loss, resolve any unfinished business, or say your goodbyes, for example.

Disenfranchised grief

Disenfranchised grief can occur when your loss is devalued, stigmatized, or cannot be openly mourned. Some people may minimize the loss of a job, a pet, or a friendship, for example, as something that’s not worth grieving over. You may feel stigmatized if you suffered a miscarriage or lost a loved one to suicide .

Disenfranchised grief can also occur when your relationship to a deceased is not recognized. Some people may consider it inappropriate to grieve for a work colleague, classmate, or neighbor, for example. As a close friend or same-sex partner you may be denied the same sympathy and understanding as a blood relative. This can make it even more difficult to come to terms with your loss and navigate the grieving process.

Complicated grief

The pain at a significant loss may never completely disappear, but it should ease up over time. When it doesn’t—and it keeps you from resuming your daily life and relationships—it may be a sign of complicated grief.

Complicated grief usually arises from the death of a loved one , where the loss has left you stuck in a state of bereavement. You may be unable to accept your loved one has gone, search for them in familiar places, experience intense longing, or even feel that life isn’t worth living.

If you’re experiencing complicated grief and the pain from your loss remains unresolved, it’s important to reach out for support and take the steps that will enable you to heal.

The pain of grief can often cause you to want to withdraw from others and retreat into your shell. But having the face-to-face support of other people is vital to healing from loss. Even if you’re not comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re grieving.

While sharing your loss can make the burden of grief easier to carry, that doesn’t mean that every time you interact with friends and family, you need to talk about your loss. Comfort can also come from just being around others who care about you. The key is not to isolate yourself.

Turn to friends and family members. Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Rather than avoiding them, draw friends and loved ones close, spend time together face to face, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Often, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need—whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or just someone to hang out with. If you don’t feel you have anyone you can regularly connect with in person, it’s never too late to build new friendships .

Accept that many people feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who’s grieving. Grief can be a confusing, sometimes frightening emotion for many people, especially if they haven’t experienced a similar loss themselves. They may feel unsure about how to comfort you and end up saying or doing the wrong things. But don’t use that as an excuse to retreat into your shell and avoid social contact. If a friend or loved one reaches out to you, it’s because they care.

Draw comfort from your faith. If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you—such as praying, meditating, or going to church—can offer solace. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.

Join a support group. Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around. Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers, or see the links below.

[Read: Support Groups: Types, Benefits, and What to Expect]

Talk to a therapist or grief counselor. If your grief feels like too much to bear, find a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving. If in-person therapy is not accessible to you, consider online therapy , which can be just as effective.

Beware how you use social media

Social media can be useful in letting others know about your loss and reaching out for support. However, it can also attract Internet trolls who post inappropriate, insensitive, or even abusive messages. To spare yourself additional pain and heartache at this time, you may want to limit your social media use to closed groups rather than public postings that can be commented on by anyone.

When you’re grieving, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time.

Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety , substance abuse, and health problems.

Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Even if you’re not able to talk about your loss with others, it can help to write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal, for example. Or you could release your emotions by making a scrapbook or volunteering for a cause related to your loss.

Try to maintain your hobbies and interests. There’s comfort in routine and getting back to the activities that bring you joy and connect you closer to others can help you come to terms with your loss and aid the grieving process.

Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.

Look after your physical health. The mind and body are connected. When you feel healthy physically, you’ll be better able to cope emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising . Don’t use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.

[Read: Self-Medicating Depression, Anxiety, and Stress]

Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” Anniversaries, holidays, and important milestones can reawaken painful memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. You can plan ahead by making sure that you’re not alone, for example, or by marking your loss in a creative way.

For more help facing up to and managing distressing emotions like grief…

Use HelpGuide’s free Emotional Intelligence Toolkit .

Grief and loss resources

In the U.S.:  Crisis Call Center  at 775-784-8090

UK:  Cruse Bereavement Care  at 0808 808 1677

Australia:  GriefLine  at (03) 9935 7400

Other support:

Find a GriefShare group meeting near you  – Worldwide directory of support groups for people grieving the death of a family member or friend. (GriefShare)

Find Support  – Directory of programs and support groups in the U.S. for children experiencing grief and loss. (National Alliance for Grieving Children)

Chapter Locator  for finding help for grieving the loss of a child in the U.S. and  International Support  for finding help in other countries. (The Compassionate Friends)

If you're feeling suicidal…

Seek help immediately. Please read  Suicide Help , talk to someone you trust, or call a suicide helpline:

• In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255.
• In the UK, call 08457 90 90 90.
• In Australia, call 13 11 14.
• Or visit  IASP  to find a helpline in your country.

More Information

• Grief and Loss - A guide to preparing for and mourning the death of a loved one. (Harvard Medical School Special Health Report)
• Death and Grief - Article for teens on how to cope with grief and loss. (TeensHealth)
• Grief: Coping with Reminders after a Loss - Tips for coping with the grief that can resurface even years after you’ve lost a loved one. (Mayo Clinic)
• Complicated Grief - Difference between the normal grief reaction and complicated grief. (Mayo Clinic)
• The Importance Of Mourning Losses (Even When They Seem Small) - Understanding disenfranchised grief. (NPR)
• Disenfranchised Grief - Understanding and coping with disenfranchised grief. (Family Health Psychiatric & Counseling Center)
• 5 Steps for Dealing with Anticipatory Grief - Helping yourself and your loved one. (Visiting Nurse Service of New York)
• 4 Types of Grief Nobody Told You About - Examines less common reasons for grief such as loss of identity, safety, and dreams. (Psychology Today)
• Depressive Disorders. (2013). In Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders . American Psychiatric Association. Link
• Zisook, S., & Shear, K. (2009). Grief and bereavement: What psychiatrists need to know. World Psychiatry, 8 (2), 67–74. Link
• Stroebe, M., Schut, H., & Stroebe, W. (2007). Health outcomes of bereavement. The Lancet, 370 (9603), 1960–1973. Link
• Simon, N. M., Wall, M. M., Keshaviah, A., Dryman, M. T., LeBlanc, N. J., & Shear, M. K. (2011). Informing the symptom profile of complicated grief. Depression and Anxiety, 28 (2), 118–126. Link
• Corr, C. A. (1999). Enhancing the Concept of Disenfranchised Grief. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 38 (1), 1–20. Link
• Johansson, A. K., & Grimby, A. (2012). Anticipatory grief among close relatives of patients in hospice and palliative wards. The American Journal of Hospice & Palliative Care, 29 (2), 134–138. Link

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Articles: Recently Bereaved

Understanding grief.

Losing someone you care about can be one of the most difficult experiences of life. There are no words to describe the overwhelming sense of pain you may feel. You are possibly reading these words through tears, and wondering how you are ever going to manage to get through this situation. You may even feel like “it’s over”, as if your own life has ended.

I understand a little of this from my own personal experience. My wife was in her late 30’s when she died unexpectedly of a heart attack. It just didn’t seem possible. I couldn’t bring myself to believe that my wife … MY wife … had died. This was not what I had signed up for.

As difficult as it was, at first I actually seemed to be coping well. People told me that I was “handling the situation” and that I was “so strong”. But looking back, it wasn’t so much that I was strong, I was NUMB. And a few weeks after her death, that numbness wore off and I began to experience an explosion of emotions and reactions to my loss. It was unbelievably difficult. But what made it even worse was that many of the people who at the time of the funeral had thought I was “doing so well”, were NOW saying “Well, what’s WRONG with you. You have to pull yourself together and get on with it.”

It was not as simple as that, unfortunately. The problem is that sometimes it is when people think we should be getting ourselves together, that the grieving person feels like they are falling apart.

However, I have come to realize that my reactions were part of a grief process. I believe that grief is not a disease, but rather a normal, human response to a significant loss. People may encourage you to “be strong” or “not to cry”.  But how sad it would be if someone we cared about died and we didn’t cry, or carried on as if nothing had happened.  Frankly, I’d like to think that someone would miss me enough to shed a tear after I’m gone.  Wouldn’t you?

So as painful and as difficult as it is, we need to remember that grief is a “high level complaint.” As Queen Elizabeth said to the people of New York City after the events of 9/11, “Grief is the price we pay for LOVE.” I believe that is a profound statement. Grief is the cost of caring.

So we need to say clearly that grief is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign that we CARED. When you lose someone special from your life you are going to grieve. Our grief is saying that we miss the person and that we’re struggling to adjust to a life without that special relationship. So as difficult as the situation you may be going through can be, it is not a sign that you are not coping; it is actually a tribute to the fact that you miss the person enough to shed a tear. Grief is a normal response to what is always an unwelcome event.

Admittedly, saying that grief is normal does not minimise its difficulty .  Grief may be one of the most challenging experiences of life.  But the person experiencing it is not crazy, weak, or “not handling things”.  They are experiencing grief, and that is a natural response after a significant loss. 

Let me make a few suggestions, which I trust will help you in your time of grief:

• Be patient with yourself, remembering that “he who has no time to mourn has no time to mend.” Grief takes time, even though time frames are unique to every individual. How long does it last? I have found it usually takes longer than people who have not been through the experience seem to think. Allow yourself time to grieve, and feel comfortable in your own time frame even though that may not be in tune with someone else’s expectations.
• Give yourself permission to grieve. So often people tell us we must “Pull ourselves together and get on with life.” Easier said than done! Remember that your grief is not a sign that you are weak, it shows that you cared. So the fact that you are having a struggle with this is a tribute to how special this person who has died was to you.
• Learn as much as you can about the grief process. Know what to expect and what is normal. Find out some helpful suggestions about what you can do to work through the issues that confront you.
• Recommit yourself to life. Perhaps the greatest lesson I learned after my wife died had to do with what is really important in life. Tragedy has a way of helping us establish priorities, and teaching us what is truly significant. It reminds us that life is a gift and that we have to make the most of every minute because there are no guarantees. Life is short, so make the most of every day.

Sometimes we spend all our energy grieving what we have lost and forget what we still have . While I would never want to minimize your loss, you have not lost everything, even though I understand you may feel like you have. But even though you have lost someone very special, are there other people in your life who love you and to whom you could give your attention? Are there things that can make life worthwhile and meaningful? Sometimes I am sure it may be difficult to see these things, but they are there if you look for them.

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Five stages of grief: Navigating loss and healing

G rief is a primary emotion experienced by all human beings. Many theorists have come up with the theories of how we process loss, and one of the most significant theories is the five stages of grief.

This theory was introduced by Kubler Ross, a psychiatrist who was interested in understanding our emotional journey after experiencing a loss.

Why do we need stages to understand grief? Why is grief given so much importance? The experience of loss can look differently for everyone. For some, it's losing a loved one; for others, it may be undergoing a major transition or when a relationship ends. There is no comparison in the way you experience loss.

What are the five stages of grief?

Five stages of grief is not a linear model. Yes, the steps are written in an order. However, we now recognize that the process after experiencing a loss is very unique and complex in nature. The theory may be a simplistic representation of what individuals may experience.

In reality, most of us shift in between the stages or remain stuck in one of them for a long time. Grief is influenced by various factors, internal and external to the individual.

The following are the five stages of grief:

Stage 1: Denial

Denial is a defense mechanism that's generally activated in the face of something that's traumatic or extremely stressful.

It's an avoidance coping mechanism that protects an individual from the overwhelming feelings of loss and pain. Denial is a typical response and should not be seen negatively.

A person may self-isolate, ignore the facts and convince themselves that they have not experienced the loss. Temporarily, it can be helpful, but in the long term, it can influence a person's mental health.

Stage 2: Anger

After an individual is able to acknowledge the loss, it's met with a rush of negative emotions.

In most cases, an individual expresses anger and frustration at what they have lost. This anger might be directed at the self, for instance, if they have lost a loved one, they may feel that they're responsible for the situation. The anger may be directed at other people or even a higher power.

Stage 3: Bargaining

We all look for a sense of control after experiencing a loss. As a result of that, we begin to bargain.

You may in your head bargain with God, to return the person or experience back to you. You accept the defeat or loss, but at the same time, want a way out or something for yourself.

Stage 4: Depression

When the bargaining fails, which is in most cases, the person experiences a significant amount of dread and sadness.

To be clear, depression here is not the same as major depressive disorder . What Ross wanted to draw our attention was towards the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness an individual experiences during bereavement.

Stage 5: Acceptance

This is perhaps the toughest among the five stages of grief. While it's a single word, for most individuals it can be a long journey to reach the stage of acceptance.

Here, acceptance does not simply mean forgetting about the loss. Rather, it involves moving forward with the experience and incorporating it in your life.

Some individuals also engage in grieving rituals that help them to move forward in their journey. Acceptance is difficult, and you don't have to force yourself into it. A mental health professional can take you through these stages while acknowledging that the five stages of grief are not set in stone.

Ross introduced the five stages of processing grief in 1969. This framework provides a valuable lens through which to understand the complex emotional journey following a significant loss. It's best to see as individuals moving through these stages circularly and randomly.

All humans have the ability to heal and learn ways to grieve . However, the wounds can leave different scars on different individuals. The five stages of grief adds to our understanding of grief but should not be seen as the only theory to explore this complex emotion.

Janvi Kapur is a counselor with a Master's degree in applied psychology with a specialization in clinical psychology.

What do you think of this story? Tell us in the comments section below.

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Table of Contents

• Rave and Reviews

About The Book

About the author.

Dr. Kenneth J. Doka is a licensed mental health counselor and preeminent expert in grief. He is Professor of Gerontology at the Graduate School of the College of New Rochelle as well as Senior Consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America and an ordained Lutheran minister. Dr. Doka speaks around the world on dying, death, and bereavement, and his work has been featured in national publications and media outlets such as Time , The Wall Street Journal , CNN, and Nightline .

Product Details

• Publisher: Atria Books (April 18, 2017)
• Length: 304 pages
• ISBN13: 9781476771519

Browse Related Books

• Family & Relationships > Interpersonal Relations
• Family & Relationships > Death, Grief, Bereavement
• Self-Help > Death, Grief, Bereavement
• Psychology > Interpersonal Relations

Raves and Reviews

"Grief Is a Journey is more than a collection of wise guidance and advice. Rather, this is a volume of rare sensitivity, penetrating understanding, and profound insights written by a foremost interpreter of grief and loss. It is a must read book for the bereaved and those who counsel them."

– Rabbi Earl A. Grollman, author of Living When A Loved One Dies

“Grief Is a Journey is the book I recommend to people living with loss. Dr. Doka distills insights from a wealth of scientific evidence and years of his own experience into practical, plainspoken guidance. His authoritative voice in chaotic times makes one feel as comfortable as if sitting on a grandfather’s knee.”

– Ira Byock, MD, director of the Providence Institute for Human Caring; professor, Dartmouth’s Geisel School of Medicine; author of Dying Well and The Four Things That Matter Most

"A particularly inspiring book, deeply informative both for those who are actively grieving and those who seek to support them."

– Omega: The Journal of Death and Dying

"If grief is a journey,Ken Doka’s gem of a book is both the best GPS helping you locate where you are, as well as a five-star travel guidebook instructing how to navigate your unique trip. Well-written and richly illustrated with examples of normal people contending with all sorts of loss-related issues, the book not only clearly explains the terrain of bereavement, but identifies the vehicles to take you through it and shows you personally how to operate in ways that work best for you. Separating myths from realities, Doka presents information that provides practical guidance that pinpoints ways you can help yourself and others. A must-have resource for any mourner. I highly recommend it."

– Therese A. Rando, Ph.D., BCETS, BCBT, Author, Coping With the Sudden Death of Your Loved One: A Self-Help Handbook for Traumatic Bereavement

“Sensible, helpful, time-tested advice from a wise, compassionate counselor. Dr. Doka provides uniquely useful insights into this universal (yet widely misunderstood) human experience."

– Brendan Reilly, MD, author of ONE DOCTOR

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Grief, it’s a Personal Journey

Loss can leave us feeling vulnerable and isolated, and so we would like to acknowledge the strength and bravery that it takes to come along to a bereavement support session , be it the first time, or the return after some time away.

For some, bereavement is a relatively new experience whereas for others, it is a familiarity they have known for some time. Everyone has had their own experiences with cancer and with the loss that it has caused, and we share many of these similarities and differences during our bereavement events. It can be very normalising to hear how others experience loss, learning that you are not alone in the events you witnessed and now try to process. However, grief is ultimately a personal journey – nobody can tell you what you should be feeling and when you should be feeling it.

Remember that no one emotion is more right or valid than another , but that understanding what you are feeling can be important in helping to identify what you may need at that particular time. That may be a need for comfort, or for solitude, to talk or to cry.

Across all of our support events we aim to provide you with the support you need when you need it, and amongst others who have experienced something similar .

You can find information on our next opportunities to come together on our  Calendar.

With warmth and kindness, Dr Francine Bear Clinical Psychologist

Photo by JOHN TOWNER on Unsplash

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There are many ways to deal with grief. But few as full-on as this …

According to the myth of Baubo, the best way to comfort a bereaved goddess is to lift up your skirts and flash her. Would it work for mere mortals?

M ost of us in Britain don’t know quite what to do with grief . You don’t hear funerals announced on local radio, as I did in the west of Ireland, or gather around the body for three days in a marae , or sacred place, as my family did in New Zealand for my uncle Chad. In the secular world of shopping centres and balloon arches, microwave dinners and text messages, we don’t really know how to respond when someone dies. Especially around their loved ones.

My advice? Lift up your skirt and show them your nethers. Like many millennial women of my acquaintance, I have become hooked on the audiobook of Annabelle Hirsch’s A History of Women in 101 Objects . As I rehung damp towels flung over doors, and put the rubbish on the bin actually into the bin, I welled up at the description of the US anthropologist Margaret Mead calling a healed thigh bone the first sign of human civilisation – intimating, as it does, a time in which a weak or injured member of a species was cared for by those around it. A little later on, while wiping milk circles off the table and scrubbing toothpaste from the sink, I listened to the story of Adam’s first wife, Lilith. That’s right: the Adam from Adam and Eve. According to various ancient texts, the first man was actually divorced. He had tried to make things work with a clay-fashioned woman called Lilith; but she wanted some general semblance of equality, so was relieved of her marriage and sent off to become a baby-eating demon. Fair play to her, I thought, flushing the toilet. Fair enough.

But the chapter that got me thinking about our treatment of grief was about a small, ancient stone figurine of Baubo . I had never previously heard the myth of Baubo, but it’s a cracker. After Persephone was abducted by Hades, the king of the underworld, her mother – Demeter, the goddess of the harvest – fell into a pit of depression. So abject was her misery that the crops failed and the land became barren. Even the B&M stores, I imagine, closed. Demeter wandered on, looking for her daughter in a state of mourning, until she was approached by an old woman called, you guessed it, Baubo. At first, Baubo tried to comfort Demeter, feed her, talk to her. None of it worked. The goddess remained suffocated by her own grief – unable to perform even her most basic functions. And so, faced with such abject misery, Baubo used her last resort: she lifted her skirts and showed the goddess Demeter her vulva. Now, I’m no gynaecologist, but I have showered in a lot of single-sex changing rooms, so I can tell you that the next bit of the story is intriguing to me.

Apparently, upon staring into Baubo’s lower orbit, Demeter started to laugh. For the first time since losing her daughter, she began eating and drinking again. The sun shone, the crops returned and life on Earth was restored to something like safety. And all from the mighty power of showing your shilling.

The reason this story has hooked into my brain like a bramble is, I think, because I’m not quite sure why Demeter laughs. What does this story say about the way we consider female genitals? Are they innately funny? Shocking? Do they remind us of our mortality and snap us back into a wider perspective? Is it a sign of female solidarity? Had she drawn eyes and a nose on her belly? We’ll never know. I’ve been looking at carvings of Baubo on the internet while I’m meant to be answering my emails for about three days now, and I’m still not sure I get the joke.

In Ireland alone, there are more than 100 examples of the infamous sheela na gig – a carved figure of a naked woman pulling open her vulva to any passing stranger – on churches, cathedrals and medieval buildings. And, dare I say it, it works. When, last week, a friend got in touch about a miscarriage, I offered to get on the train to her town and perform this ancient ritual on her doorstep. It was a hugely risky joke to make when someone is in that raw, immediate flush of grief. But I’m pleased to say that she laughed. And while I haven’t booked my ticket yet, the offer is still very much open.

Nell Frizzell is the author of Holding the Baby : Milk, Sweat and Tears from the Frontline of Motherhood

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Grief empowered actor Abubakar Salim – now he’s making a video game about it

After losing a parent unexpectedly to cancer, the Hollywood star channeled his pain into ‘Tales Of Kenzera: Zau’

A bubakar Salim, best known for playing the lead role in open-world adventure Assassin’s Creed Origins , shot through 2023 like lightning. First he was cast in the second season of Game Of Thrones spin-off House Of The Dragon , then he played French general Thomas-Alexandre Dumas in Ridley Scott’s historical epic Napoleon . And to cap the year off, he revealed his debut game as a developer, Tales Of Kenzera: Zau , with a giddy on-stage appearance at The Game Awards in December. For most, this would be a year of career highs – but Salim is only getting started.

We meet in a vintage studio in east London, where a prop gun lies discarded on a dusty piano. Gregarious and prone to fits of booming laughter, Salim is sitting in an old leather chair, and his excitement about Zau – now just a few weeks away from launch – is contagious. “It’s all happening too fast,” he giggles.

Out on April 23, Salim’s 2D platformer follows titular character Zau (played by Salim), a young shaman who bargains with Kalunga, the god of death, to bring his dead father back to life. It’s a deeply personal project – and is inspired by Bantu (an ethnolinguistic group across Africa) mythology that has been passed down through Salim’s Kenyan family.

Much like Zau, Salim values family highly. He credits his parents – his dad, a software engineer; his mum a carer – for supporting his creativity from an early age. “My father was a very good storyteller – he was very good at getting people to listen, and he took you on this journey,” says Salim. “But the artist-y side definitely came from my mum. She loved films, westerns, and books. There was an element of artistry that my mum exuded.”

Tragically, ten years ago when Salim was just starting to find steady work as an actor, his dad Ali died from cancer. “I remember thinking this wasn’t supposed to happen, this wasn’t part of the plan,” says Salim. “He was a very healthy man – [his cancer] even went into remission – and then suddenly it came back with a force.”

The experience shattered Salim’s “vague” plans for the future. “It made me realise that nothing is written. It really made me look creatively at my work and think, ‘if something like that can happen, what can happen tomorrow?’”

“What I’m aiming to be is the guy who opened the door for other storytellers”

Salim tried to “soldier on” and bear the weight of his grief on his own. Eventually, however, pretending to be OK felt “poisonous”, and he began speaking about the experience in therapy. “There’s a lot of power in being open and honest, and baring all, because you get to share that with people – and they get to share it with you,” says Salim. “It feels communal in a way. Honesty is the best way of connecting.”

Now, whenever Salim talks about his dad, it’s to celebrate his life, rather than linger on its loss. His eyes shine with pride when we talk about their relationship – and though he speaks modestly about his own abilities, he often makes his father sound like the world’s greatest storyteller. It’s a talent that Salim, who is effortlessly compelling while telling his own tales, has inherited.

Eventually, Salim started to see his loss as another story to be told, and the first seeds of Zau were sown. He considers the metroidvania genre of video games – in which players start off as weak characters and must find the right tools to explore large, often confusing worlds – a metaphor for grief in itself, and wanted to combine it with tales his father had passed down from his grandfather, who was a nganga (a spiritual healer in Bantu culture). But by the time he started taking the idea of developing a new game seriously, his acting career was in full flight. In 2017 he played vengeful warrior Bayek of Siwa in Assassin’s Creed Origins , and in 2020 landed a lead role on the TV side, starring as an android in Ridley Scott’s big-budget HBO sci-fi Raised By Wolves .

W hen it came to making Zau , Salim decided to found his own studio rather than risk pitching it somewhere that might jeapordise his creative vision. With self-conscious laughter, Salim says he started by constantly messaging people on social media. Some, including legendary game writers Mike Bithell and Caroline Marchal , offered advice on becoming a founder. Others loved Salim’s idea, and joined his fledgling company Silver Rain Games (now called Surgent Studios ). Using his own money, Salim funded the team while it made an early prototype for Zau , which eventually allowed him to find a publisher – Electronic Arts (EA) , one of the biggest in the world.

Last December, Salim revealed Zau to the world at The Game Awards 2023, a flashy Los Angeles ceremony that’s part annual awards bash, part marketing platform for new game reveals. The game’s premise, along with Salim’s enthusiasm at simply being represented at such a huge event, was widely praised online. And that momentum hasn’t slowed. “The reception has been ridiculously phenomenal,” he says. “It’s blown our expectations, and EA’s, out of the water. We’re in a place now where you cannot deny that being honest, open, truthful and artistic is the way forward, and something you should strive for.”

Like any studio head would be, Salim is now nervous about delivering on those expectations. But he also feels responsible for proving that games based on under-represented cultures can succeed in this industry. “There’s additional pressure of Zau being an African story, and feeling like this has got to really do well otherwise I could potentially screw up someone else’s chance of telling an African story,” he explains. “But the trick is to not think about that and focus on telling your own personal story, and delivering that the best way you can.”

“We’re in a place now where you cannot deny that being honest, open, truthful and artistic is the way forward”

Salim points out that the “beauty” of African tales and cultural stories lies in the oral tradition of telling them out loud. When we ask if he had any favourite stories he loved to hear as a child, Salim pauses. After a brief silence, Salim begins retelling a tale his dad told him about his own father in Kenya.

“It was raining one day in the village, and everyone was getting wet,” he says, suddenly very still in his chair. “My granddad, because he was a nganga, picked up a blade of grass and put it over his head. And he was suddenly dry. Then everyone started doing [the same thing], then everyone else was dry.”

As if he’s spent the last minute bottling it up, Salim immediately bursts into laughter. “I remember looking at my dad, like, ‘what were you smoking?’ But at the same time, he’s got that cheeky grin – it was all part and parcel of the story.”

“That just really sticks to me, because I remember the way he would tell it, I’d be so enamoured,” he explains. “Then as soon as he said the whole blade of grass thing, there was a moment of being like, ‘ah, okay, now you’re playing with me’. Because obviously his father did the same thing with him!”

As a result, Zau is a mix of Bantu culture – its protagonist goes on a quest to become a nganga just like Salim’s grandfather was – and Salim’s own story of loss. While grief is a universal emotion, we discuss the fact that everyone can experience it differently, and whether that makes Zau’s story easier or harder to relate to.

“The beauty of art is that you, the viewer, are reacting to it from your own perspective and putting your own ideas on it,” he says. “That’s what helps. I can’t relate [to] a kid fighting a giant lightning bug, but I can understand where he’s coming from. You can find a moment, or place, and remember being like that.”

Originally, Salim wanted Zau to send the message that it’s “OK to not be OK”. While that’s still true, he now hopes to encourage more people to tell their own stories as well. Salim points to critically acclaimed metroidvania games Dead Cells and Ori And The Blind Forest , both of which were massive inspirations to him – and says that he wants Zau to have a similar impact.

It’s an idea that he’s been thinking about more, lately. When we ask him what he’d rather be remembered as – an actor or developer – he says: “What I’m aiming to be is the guy who opened the door for other storytellers,” Salim says. Before its first game has even launched, he’s already planned out Tales Of Kenzera in the same way that Marvel , which announces its films years ahead of their release, does. Importantly, Salim also wants to get creators and writers from other cultures involved. “The idea of being able to open the door, like, ‘hey, come on in – I want to hear your stories’, that’s what I want to be remembered for.”

‘Tales of Kenzera: Zau’ is out April 23, 2024 for Nintendo Switch , PC , Playstation 5 and Xbox Series X|S .

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