boat cruise in belgrade

THE 5 BEST Belgrade Boat Rides & Cruises

Boat rides & cruises in belgrade.

• Boat Rentals
• Kayaking & Canoeing
• Parasailing & Paragliding
• Fishing Charters & Tours
• River Rafting & Tubing
• Surfing, Windsurfing & Kitesurfing
• Waterskiing & Jetskiing
• Stand-Up Paddleboarding
• Water Sports
• Speed Boats Tours
• Gondola Cruises
• Scuba & Snorkeling
• Up to 1 hour
• 1 to 4 hours
• 4 hours to 1 day
• 5.0 of 5 bubbles
• 4.0 of 5 bubbles & up
• 3.0 of 5 bubbles & up
• 2.0 of 5 bubbles & up
• Serbia Excursions
• Belgrade Kayak Trip
• The ranking of tours, activities, and experiences available on Tripadvisor is determined by several factors including the revenue generated by Tripadvisor from these bookings, the frequency of user clicks, and the volume and quality of customer reviews. Occasionally, newly listed offerings may be prioritized and appear higher in the list. The specific placement of these new listings may vary.

1. 2 hours / Sightseeing Boat cruise Drinks Included

2. Blue Danube: Iron Gate National Park Tour with 1-hour speedboat ride

3. Belgrade Sunset Cruise

4. Belgrade Amazon Kayak Adventure

5. Self-guided kayak tour in Belgrade

6. From Belgrade:Uvac Nature Reserve Tour

7. Private Boat Tour in Belgrade

What travelers are saying.

• Belgrade Sunset Cruise
• Belgrade War Island Kayak Tour
• Blue Danube: Iron Gate National Park Tour with 1-hour speedboat ride
• Belgrade Amazon Kayak Adventure
• Self-guided kayak tour in Belgrade
• Belgrade Boat Tour
• Belgrade Private Tour
• Cruising Belgrade
• One Of A Kind Belgrade
• Baci Pet - Serbia Travel Service
• Wild Serbia - WS Adventures
• Cruise Belgrade Boat Tour
• Belgrade Adventure
• Daska & Veslo

BELGRADE TURTLE CRUISE

Experience the city's stunning views from the river on one of our belgrade cruises and enjoy the exceptional hospitality of our friendly crew. a lifetime experience awaits - perfect for first-time visitors, your one and only choice to truly feeling: feeling belgrade, feeling happy, feeling human.

Family Friendly

Informative & Fun

Multilingual  Guides

“Seeing the city from the river was truly beautiful, an experience worth having!"

Aleksa Ivanović

"The turtle is awesome. Experience for a lifetime! And especially as someone who has not seen Belgrade from the river. Any recommendation. The ship's crew is amazing and they are super friendly!"

Sharrif Anand

“Should give it a shot for sunset cruise. Ambience was nice and crew was warm and welcoming.”

FIND THE RIGHT BELGRADE CRUISE FOR YOU

Explore Your Options: Discovering Your Perfect Belgrade Cruise Match

BELGRADE SUNSET TOUR

The most beautiful sunsets are the ones we share.

Indulge in a pre- dinner sightseeing tour of the Capital of Serbia and discover the breathtaking views of Belgrade bathed in the dimming sunshine.

BELGRADE NIGHT TOUR

Marvel at the beauty of Belgrade nights from its glistening rivers.

So ak in the glittering lights and experience how the city comes to life before you. Who knows, afterward you might even feel inspired to experience the legendary Belgrade nightlife.

PRIVATE BELGRADE  PARTY

Take your private event to new heights with this offer!

Even if you’re a traveler trying to make your experience of Belgrade tourism special, or a local looking for a unique venue for your special social gathering, we’ve got you covered.

Obala majora Dragutina Gavrilovića bb, 11000, Beograd

+381656332478

[email protected]

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Sirona Cruise Ship - Belgrade Boat Cruises

Cruise Experience to Remember

This Belgrade boat offers utmost comfort and romantic ambiance . Three decks. Two elegant restaurants - Sirona Lounge and  Club Lounge. Two bars. Beautiful open-air upper deck - Sky Lounge. Deluxe cabins. Air Conditioning throughout. Quality sound system. Specially added stabilizers ensure exceptionally smooth and quiet sailing. Length 44 m. Capacity 200 plus boat crew.

Belgrade from its Rivers – Danube tour An enjoyable 90-minute sightseeing cruise. Along the Kalemegdan Fortress. Downstream toward Dorcol and Pancevo bridge. Up River to Zemun and Gardos and back to port.

Danube Excursion to Bela Stena with Lunch   

An unforgettable afternoon for nature lovers. Down the mighty Danube to a romantic excursion site Bela Stena (White Rock). Leaving behind the hustle of the city revel in the majestic river and its verdant banks. Relax and enjoy the  fun ambiance aboard, good food and your favorite drink and make new friends. The charming fishing settlement at the western edge of the Forkotumac island seems to be from another time. Cruise along the entire island passing on your left the mouth of River Tamish and the entrance to Pancevo Canal. Passing the eastern end of the island Sirona turns around and sails into Dunavac, the narrow branch of the Danube, its banks covered with lush greenery. Cruising through this beautiful waterway will be the highlight of your today’s excursion. Dunavac rejoins the Danube on the other side of the charming fishing settlement and you cruise happily back to Belgrade.

ULTIMATE CRUISING BELGRADE EXPERIENCE

Join us on a spectacular boat trip on belgrade's rivers. your unforgettable journey will begin from the beautiful district of zemun, known for its impressive architecture and landscape. for the next hours, you will be on a luxury pontoon boat with all the necessary facilities. sip your welcome drink, relax, and get ready to capture amazing moments away from the crowds..

See the Great War Island, a strategic point for the defense of Belgrade and a shelter of wildlife. Enter the delta of Danube and Sava and approach the Kalemegdan fortress, the largest park, and the most important historical monument in Belgrade. Pass under all major Belgrade bridges. During the cruise, the knowledgeable crew will tell you interesting stories about the landmarks, the customs, and the everyday life of Serbia.

Zemun - War Island - Delta of Danube and Sava - Kalemegdan fortress - Bridges of Belgrade

Luxury  Private Cruise  

Enjoy an exclusive  private river cruise on the Danube and Sava rivers in Belgrade. See the beautiful monuments of the magical capital of Serbia from the comfort of a private boat. 

 Float beneath the five impressive bridges and admire their unique architecture. This cruise shows you exactly what makes the Serbian capital an extraordinary place.

Sunset Cruise

The Sunset cruise is the most romantic way to explore the Belgrade districts.

Let yourself be swept away by the magic and beauty of the city.

[email protected]

Call Cruising Belgrade

TURTLE BOAT

Turtle boat is  more then 30 years in tourist service with more than  amazing    250 000 guests on our tours that makes this boat real tourist attraction in our city and unique experience what you shouldn't miss this boat has live guide on english and serbian language in 15 km long route passes zemun & gardosh tower only boat in belgrade with  this specific route around  great war island .

itinerary info

Turtle cruise is round trip to Zemun town and   Gardosh tower and turning back by Danube river through the Sava river until   Ada Bridge. Unique opportunity to see "Belgrade's Montmartre" from a river view and communist architecture of the New Belgrade next to Gardosh tower. Kalemegdan fortress, Nebojsha tower, Great War Island-national reserve for 67 different kind of birds, confluence of Sava & Danube, Novak Djokovic tennis school and courts,Lido beach, Victor monument-official symbol city, Zemun & Gardosh. Sava port and Beton Hall, Church of St. Michael and Serbian Patriarchy, 6 bridges,"splavs"-night life places on water , Belgrade waterfront -luxury part of the city,Belgrade's fair hall, Royal down town.

Online PRICE :

Sunset cruise, 2950  dinars.

∞ 15 km route

∞ LIve tour guide

∞ Zemun & Gardosh

∞ All around the Great War Island tour

∞ All 8 bridges

∞   Unforgettable sunset view & photos

∞  Tourist attraction

∞ Sava & Danube

∞  Communist architecture 

∞ Ask for gift code and get unlimited soft drinks

DAYTIME CRUISE

2950 dinars.

∞  15 km route 

∞   Zemun & Gardosh

∞  Around the Great War Island tour

∞   A ll 8 bridges

∞ Tourist attraction

∞  Unique look

RENT A BOAT 

229 € / 1 h .

∞   Minimum rent

∞   Perfect for small groups until 45 persons 

∞  Team buildings, bachelor parties , friends and families 

∞   Tourist attraction

∞  Zemun & Gardosh

∞  All around the Great War Island tour option available 

∞   LIve tour guide optional

∞   Sava & Danube

RESERVATION FORM

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• About this activity

Belgrade: Guided City Boat Cruise

• Free cancellation available
• Mobile voucher
• Instant confirmation
• Relax during the 1.5-Hour boat trip
• Cruise along Sava, soaking in stunning views of Belgrade's iconic landmarks
• English-speaking guide's stories, will enrich your Belgrade experience

Activity location

• Belgrade, Grad Beograd, Serbia

Meeting/Redemption Point

• The meeting point is in front of Rajiceva Shopping mall, just next to the Starbucks entrance https://goo.gl/maps/Zx6xgDxho32WPfhp7?coh=178573&entry=tt Your tour guide will wait for you in front of Starbucks entrance with blue umbrella.
• Beograd, Grad Beograd, Serbia
• Sat, Apr 6 $38
• Sun, Apr 7 $38
• Mon, Apr 8 -
• Tue, Apr 9 -
• Wed, Apr 10 -
• Thu, Apr 11 -
• Fri, Apr 12 -
• Sat, Apr 13 $38
• Sun, Apr 14 $38
• Mon, Apr 15 -
• Tue, Apr 16 -
• Wed, Apr 17 -
• Thu, Apr 18 -
• Fri, Apr 19 -
• Sat, Apr 20 $38
• Activity duration is 2 hours 2h 2h

What's included, what's not

• What's included What's included Boat ticket
• What's included What's included English-speaking tour guide
• What's excluded What's excluded Drinks on the boat
• What's excluded What's excluded Tips (optional)

Know before you book

• Not allowed: Luggage or large bags, Oversize luggage, Pets
• Not suitable for: People with mobility impairments, Wheelchair users

What you can expect

Leave behind the hustle and bustle of the city and enjoy a ride down the Sava and Danube rivers on a city boat cruise with an expert guide.

Step aboard our boat for a delightful Belgrade Cruise tour along the scenic Sava River! Over the course of 1.5 hours, we'll treat you to a panoramic view of Belgrade's most iconic landmarks.

Starting from our embarkation point on the Sava River, you'll glide past the historic Belgrade Fortress and the serene Great War Island, a pristine natural gem.

Our journey continues under the famous Belgrade bridges, including Branko's Bridge and Gazela, offering stunning views of the city skyline. You'll also catch glimpses of modern Belgrade projects such as Belgrade Waterfront and Belgrade Fair, home to Hall 1, one of the world's largest concord halls.

Throughout the tour, our English-speaking guide will regale you with captivating stories, enriching your Belgrade experience.

Note: The cruise time on the boat is 1.5 h, and the whole tour time with time for meeting with tour guide, boarding and disembarkation is 2h.

Belgrade boat river sightseeing cruise

A unique way to experience Belgrade from The rivers of Sava and Danube with a boat cruise

• Embrace the city from the river.
• Capture stunning views of the confluence of Sava and Danube rivers. Belgrade is one of the few cities in the world with the confluence of 2 major rivers.
• Enjoy the peaceful atmosphere of the river as you cruise through its historic landmark of Belgrade fortress.

What You Will See on the Cruise

During your cruise, you’ll get to see the Kalemegdan fortress – Nebojšina Tower – Tennis courts Novak Djoković – SERBIA OPEN – Sports Centre Milan Gale Muškatirović – Confluence  Save to the Danube river – Pančevo Bridge – Zemun – Big War Island – Small horse island – Museum of Contemporary Art – Concrete Hall – Port of Belgrade – Patriarchy SPC – Saborna Church – Brankovs bridge – Old fairground – memorial of the victims in the camp – Sava mala – Old Sava bridge – Belgrade on the water – Splavovi clubs on river – St. Sava Temple – Gazela Bridge – Old Railway Bridge – New Railway Bridge – Belgrade Fair – Ada (lake, island, bridge.

https://www.google.com/maps/d/embed?mid=1XNNhesRxUlpneQACHgsBqprTP4PTo5NF&ehbc=2E312F

The Benefits of Taking a Cruise

The benefits of taking a cruise are many. First and foremost, you’ll be able to enjoy a relaxing atmosphere while learning about Belgrade’s history and culture with English audio guide . The boat cruises are also great for capturing amazing photos of the city!

Tips for Taking the Cruise

• Bring a camera. You’ll want to capture the best shots of Belgrade, so make sure you have a camera with you.
• Dress appropriately for the weather. Even if it’s hot outside, it can get cold on the boat, so bring layers that can be easily removed or added as needed!
• Bring some snacks and drinks for the cruise – you never know how long they’ll last before they run out!

Where to Find the Cruise

The starting point is at Beton hala dock in front of the restaurant “Ambar” Karadjordjeva Street 2-4, Belgrade 11000

Coordinates of latitude and longitude: 44°49’14.1″N 20°26’50.8″E

How to Book the Cruise

In order to book the cruise, you’ll need to visit the  Klub Kej website . Go to the calendar and click the desired date with the boat icon and select the time of the cruise. Only fill in the registration form and pay on the spot with the discount of 10% when showing a valid Belgrade Card.

The Cost of Taking the Belgrade river Cruise

The standard adult ticket is RSD 2.100 (appx €18). Using the Belgrade Card you will get 10% discount or RSD 1.890 (appx €16)

The Bottom Line

Consider the time of day. The best time to take the boat cruise is in the evening, when Belgrade’s lights are on and you can enjoy views of the city from the river.

Enjoy yourself! Go with friends or family members, or make new ones along the way. The experience will be unforgettable either way!

Belgrade Card Cookie Policy

Privacy overview.

Belgrade Boat Tours and Sightseeing Cruises

Here you will find everything about sightseeing boat tours in belgrade....

Length of trip : Cruise on Sava and Danube Rivers is 22 km and lasts 1 hour 30 minutes Narration type and languages : Cruise include a live or recorded commentary in English on the sights along the river. Start time : Sightseeing boat tours in Belgrade run April through October from 14:00 pm - 20:00 pm,

3 different Types of Boats available for regular cruises on Belgrade rivers // See pic below // Only Classic Boat types offers Lunch or Dinner on cruise.

Boat TURTLE

The boat is surrounded by glass, 12 meter long, 2 decks, sound system, toilet.

Classic boat

Classic boats offer more comfort and passengers can have meals and drinks on the boat.

Medieval Knight Boat SLAVJANA

Enjoy sailing on replica of Medieval Knight Boat used for battles in the period 1.000 years ago

DIFFERENT OPTIONS FOR BELGRADE RIVER TOUR

Option 1 - sightseeing river cruise.

Option 2 - Sightseeing River Cruise + Hotel Pickup

Option 3 - river cruise + belgrade walking tour, option 4 - river cruise + zemun walking tour, option 5 - taxi boat trip and visit belgrade's floating river clubs, option 6 - private boat rental in belgrade, option 7 - excursions and full day tours‎ from belgrade.

Filip will take you to the boat

Filip will meet you in city centre and take you to the boat

Port of Belgrade

Port on Sava river where boats depart from and return

See Belgrade by boat

And enjoy a tour down the Sava and Danube rivers

Hotel Pickup

Our driver picks you up right at your hotel

Cruise on the river

The Sava River divides the Old and New Belgrade.

Relax and enjoy on boat

Enjoy sailing on Belgrade Sava and Danube rivers

View on old Belgrade

Learn more about the history of Belgrade and Serbia, and have a great time ...

Boat Trip on Sava and Danube Rivers

Relaxing and peaceful boat ride and possibility to admire Belgrade from the rivers

Belgrade Walking Tour

Explore Belgrade. Private Walking Tour with a native Belgradan tour guide in Old Belgrade

Fisherman part of Zemun with Gardos hill, view from the Dunabe river.

Danube river near Zemun

Belgradians simply love to enjoy on the rivers when weather is right.

Walk through the old part of Zemun

Zemun Walking Tour - Zemun neighborhood is one of the oldest parts of Belgrade.

Taxi Boat Trip

Taxi Boat Trip include 30 min. panoramic River Cruise and ride to the floating river clubs (SPLAV)

Tipical floating river clubs in Belgrade

Summer season in Belgrade means that all nightlife is transferred from city center clubs to rivers.

Drinks & Dining on floating river clubs

Choose whatever you want .. Wine and Cheese, Pizza and Beer, Fish, Traditional Serbian Food ...

Hire Motor Yacht in Belgrade

We offer you the opportunity to rent a boat of different sizes with skipper

Private Boat Cruise in Belgrade

Invite your friends, family or business partners for a private boat cruise

Rent Party Boat in Belgrade

Boats with capacity of 150 passengers for organizing cocktail, presentations, banquets...

Drina River Gorge Cruise

Cruise through the canyon of the Drina river from Perućac to Višegrad. Visiting Andrićgrad and the old bridge, Mokra Gora, Drvengrad and unique narrow-gauge railway Sargan Eight.

Tour along Danube river, Iron Gate

Tour along the Danube River has proven to be one of our most popular with good reason. Natural beauty awaits as well as art, culture and history at the Iron Gates of Danube.

Rafting, paddling and fishing tours on Danube

Fishing or canoe or kayak. We organise single or multi-day tours on Danube river for small groups. Adventures and unforgettable experiences across a Europe's second longest river

CRUISING ADVENTURES IN ADA

Enhance your experience of Belgrade and make unforgettable moments with inspiring, exciting and breath taking Ada Cruising.

ABOUT ADA CRUISING

"My passion for boats was born at a very young age when cruising with my family on rivers Danube and Sava I fall in love with incredible sites of Serbia. It was then when I decided to share the passion I carry for so many years with others who would want to explore and discover the beauty of river cruising." Ana Dobric, Owner

TOURS AND TRIPS

Located at one of the most beautiful and recognizable places in Belgrade, near Ada bridge and close to Ada mall, boat Ana is the best getaway for any occasion.

PRIVATE CRUISE

Ada Tours, Business trips, Romantic cruising, Bachelorette parties or even a Small Wedding will get a different signature with this choice of adventure.

NIGHT CRUISE

Romantic night cruises or Engagement Proposals. Let us be a part of your major life decisions and help you embrace those unforgettable moments.

ON-DEMAND FOOD AND BEVERAGES

Catering upon request. For any event Inspired Cuisine at Affordable Prices

If you would like to find out more information about private tours, please be in touch and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.

Ada bay (under Ada bridge), Belgrade

[email protected]

060-5170585

THE 5 BEST Belgrade Boat Rides & Cruises

Boat rides & cruises in belgrade.

• Kayaking & Canoeing
• Parasailing & Paragliding
• Fishing Charters & Tours
• River Rafting & Tubing
• Surfing, Windsurfing & Kitesurfing
• Waterskiing & Jetskiing
• Stand-Up Paddleboarding
• Water Sports
• Speed Boats Tours
• Gondola Cruises
• Scuba & Snorkeling
• Up to 1 hour
• 1 to 4 hours
• 4 hours to 1 day
• 5.0 of 5 bubbles
• 4.0 of 5 bubbles & up
• 3.0 of 5 bubbles & up
• 2.0 of 5 bubbles & up
• Serbia Excursions
• Belgrade Kayak Trip
• The ranking of tours, activities, and experiences available on Tripadvisor is determined by several factors including the revenue generated by Tripadvisor from these bookings, the frequency of user clicks, and the volume and quality of customer reviews. Occasionally, newly listed offerings may be prioritized and appear higher in the list. The specific placement of these new listings may vary.

1. 2 hours / Sightseeing Boat cruise Drinks Included

2. Blue Danube: Iron Gate National Park Tour with 1-hour speedboat ride

3. Belgrade Sunset Cruise

4. Belgrade Amazon Kayak Adventure

5. Self-guided kayak tour in Belgrade

6. From Belgrade:Uvac Nature Reserve Tour

7. Private Boat Tour in Belgrade

What travellers are saying.

• Belgrade War Island Kayak Tour
• Belgrade Sunset Cruise
• Blue Danube: Iron Gate National Park Tour with 1-hour speedboat ride
• Belgrade Amazon Kayak Adventure
• Self-guided kayak tour in Belgrade
• Belgrade Boat Tour
• Belgrade Private Tour
• Cruising Belgrade
• One Of A Kind Belgrade
• Baci Pet - Serbia Travel Service
• Wild Serbia - WS Adventures
• Daska & Veslo
• Belgrade Adventure

Sightseeing & Activities

Dinner evening cruise in belgrade, (place of departure: ).

• Activities and tour description
• Departure information
• Important Info

Activities:

Tour description:.

Leave the city bustle, relax and enjoy these majestic rivers during 1,5 hour cruise. Learn some interesting facts about the Sava and the Danube, their confluence and the most important islands. While passing by the biggest of them – The Great War island, you will hear about its significance for Belgrade’s history and conservation of flora and fauna. History lesson is followed with a dinner – specialties of Serbian cuisine.

Pickup at hotel at 7:30 pm, and drop-off after the cruise.

6 persons are minimum for organizing the tour.

Dates of departure:

Conditions for free cancellation, guide language, notes for transport, included in price, not included in price, notes on dressing, other notes, terms of payment.

Price from * : 50 EUR

Book the tour

Tour reservation: dinner evening cruise in belgrade ×.

• Nosioc liste --> X -->

Pensioners:

Related tours.

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Belgrade sightseeing cruise on the Danube and Sava rivers

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THE 5 BEST Belgrade Boat Rides & Cruises

Boat rides & cruises in belgrade.

• Kayaking & Canoeing
• Parasailing & Paragliding
• Fishing Charters & Tours
• River Rafting & Tubing
• Surfing, Windsurfing & Kitesurfing
• Waterskiing & Jetskiing
• Stand-Up Paddleboarding
• Water Sports
• Speed Boats Tours
• Gondola Cruises
• Scuba & Snorkeling
• Up to 1 hour
• 1 to 4 hours
• 4 hours to 1 day
• 5.0 of 5 bubbles
• 4.0 of 5 bubbles & up
• 3.0 of 5 bubbles & up
• 2.0 of 5 bubbles & up
• Serbia Excursions
• Belgrade Kayak Trip
• The ranking of tours, activities, and experiences available on Tripadvisor is determined by several factors including the revenue generated by Tripadvisor from these bookings, the frequency of user clicks, and the volume and quality of customer reviews. Occasionally, newly listed offerings may be prioritized and appear higher in the list. The specific placement of these new listings may vary.

1. 2 hours / Sightseeing Boat cruise Drinks Included

2. Blue Danube: Iron Gate National Park Tour with 1-hour speedboat ride

3. Belgrade Sunset Cruise

4. Belgrade Amazon Kayak Adventure

5. Self-guided kayak tour in Belgrade

6. From Belgrade:Uvac Nature Reserve Tour

7. Private Boat Tour in Belgrade

What travellers are saying.

• Belgrade War Island Kayak Tour
• Belgrade Sunset Cruise
• Blue Danube: Iron Gate National Park Tour with 1-hour speedboat ride
• Belgrade Amazon Kayak Adventure
• Self-guided kayak tour in Belgrade
• Belgrade Boat Tour
• Belgrade Private Tour
• Cruising Belgrade
• One Of A Kind Belgrade
• Baci Pet - Serbia Travel Service
• Wild Serbia - WS Adventures
• Cruise Belgrade Boat Tour
• Belgrade Adventure
• Daska & Veslo

Cruise Belgrade Boat Tour

• See all photos

Similar Experiences

Most Recent: Reviews ordered by most recent publish date in descending order.

Detailed Reviews: Reviews ordered by recency and descriptiveness of user-identified themes such as waiting time, length of visit, general tips, and location information.

Cruise Belgrade Boat Tour - All You Need to Know BEFORE You Go (2024)

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Social media erupts in fierce debate over whether cruise ship was right to abandon late passengers: ‘they know the rules’.

Thanks for contacting us. We've received your submission.

A fiery debate has sparked after a cruise denied eight passengers to board the ship after they failed to make the 3 pm cut-off time.

The Norwegian Dawn ship left the tourists on an African island , some without their possessions after the private tour they were on ran late.

The group have now made their way by plane, ferry and car to Senegal, over 2,000 miles from São Tomé and Príncipe, where the Norwegian Cruise Lines (NCL) ship departed without them last Wednesday.

US couple Jill and Jay Campbell, who were among the abandoned eight cruisers have spent more than $7,000 in travel costs to get to the port in Senegal.

“We truly believe that although there’s a set of rules or policies that the ship follows, they follow those rules too rigidly,” Ms. Campbell told NBC’s the Today Show on Tuesday.

“They really forgot that they are people working in the hospitality industry and that the safety is and the wellbeing of their customers should be the first priority and that should be placed first.

“It was a basic duty of care that they have forgotten about. It does concern us.”

Adam Glezer from  Consumer Champion  told news.com.au it was “ridiculous” the passengers, including a pregnant woman and someone who has a heart condition, weren’t allowed back on — even though the Norwegian Dawn was still at anchor and a São Tomé coastguard took the group on tenders to the vessel.

“Each situation has to be treated on an individual basis — especially the passenger without their medication,” he said.

He said despite the rules, “you need flexibility in situations like this.”

Keep up with The Post's coverage of the Norwegian Cruise debacle

• Eight Norwegian Cruise passengers, including a pregnant woman and an elderly man with a heart condition, were stranded on an African island without money and vital medications after the vessel left port without them.
• A spokesperson for the cruise line claimed the passengers were left on the island “on their own or with a private tour” and missed the “all-aboard time” by over an hour, according to the company.
• Americans Jill Campbell and her husband, Jay Campbell, said they are unsure whether they even want to resume the 20-day voyage after Norwegian Cruise Lines forgot about its “basic duty of care.”
• The eight passengers raced through seven different countries over a span of 48 hours to make it to Senegal, where the ship docked Tuesday morning,
• Doug and Violeta Sanders, a stranded Australian couple, have spoken out about their ordeal , saying it was “the worst experience of our lives.”
• Julie Lenkoff, 80,  suffered a stroke during an excursion on the cruise — and was left “alone” and “helpless” to find her way back to the US, according to her family.
• COLUMN: Cruise ship was right to ditch the late passengers in Africa

Check out The Post’s tips on what to do if you’re left stranded like the Norwegian Cruise passengers

Jim Walker, a Miami-based maritime lawyer, also called out the cruise liner, accusing it of “making a point by abandoning the guests” because they booked a tour that wasn’t through the cruise.

“The reality is that cruise lines aggressively promote cruise-sponsored shore excursions as a fundamental part of their business model, earning tens of millions of dollars a year in income,” he told news.com.au.

“To promote cruise-sponsored excursions where they receive as much as 50 to 60 percent of the profits, cruise lines state that if their guests paid for a cruise-sponsored excursion, as opposed to an independent excursion, the company will guarantee that if the extrusion is late in returning to the cruise ship, it will wait so that the guests are not abandoned ashore.

“In this particular case, it appears that NCL made a point of abandoning these guests simply because they were on an independent excursion.”

Mr. Walker said NCL’s conduct is not only “harsh and uncaring”, but he believes their act was “mean-spirited and vindictive in nature”.

The debacle has caused a huge divide online with some taking the side of the passengers, while others have defended the cruise’s move in leaving the passengers behind in São Tomé.

“Weird that the captain wouldn’t let them board if it was still in port?” one person wrote on Facebook.

“Don’t feel sorry for them they know the rules. It costs the ships a fortune if they don’t leave on time. We have watched people left behind before in Asia. Last trip to NZ there was a very close call also,” wrote another.

Other cruisers said being on time is a “simple” rule passengers need to follow, adding it’s why they only book tours through the ship.

“This is why you take a risk if you don’t go on a excursion you get through the ship Ruled need too be followed,” a third person wrote, while another added: “That’s why I would never take a cruise or organized tour ever, ever again, no freedom to do what you want, when you want.”

A  TikToker and cruiser Candi Thomas  unleashed on the passengers saying it was the responsibility of the passengers to make it back to the ship on time.

“For those of you who don’t cruise, let me tell you. Before you get off the ship there’s numerous announcements, You have it in your daily planning letter, there are signs … you have to be on board 60 to 90 minutes before that ship is departing,” she said.

According to  The Points Guy , if you do not arrive at the port before the boarding window ends, a cruise ship “will most certainly leave without you.”

“Even if you are standing at the pier, waving frantically. That’s because a cruise ship’s departure time is carefully planned and more than just your vacation is at stake.

“Just like airplanes, cruise ships are on tight schedules — much tighter than you may realise.”

Norwegian Cruise Line responds

In a statement provided to news.com.au, the US based Norwegian Cruise Lines said while the ship was in São Tomé and Príncipe, an African island nation, eight guests who were on the island on a private tour “not organised through us” missed the last tender back to the vessel, “therefore not meeting the all aboard time of 3pm local time.”

“While this is a very unfortunate situation, guests are responsible for ensuring they return to the ship at the published time, which is communicated broadly over the ship’s intercom, in the daily print communication and posted just before exiting the vessel.”

The spokesperson said when the guests did not return to the vessel at the all aboard time, their passports were delivered to the local port agents to retrieve when they returned to the port, as per the regular protocol.

The tourists had made arrangements to rejoin the ship in Banjul , Gambia on April 1, but the ship was unable to safely dock in the destination “due to adverse weather conditions.”

The spokesperson told news.com.au it contacted the passengers regarding the itinerary adjustment and provided them with authorisation to rejoin the ship at Dakar, Senegal on April 2.

“Despite the series of unfortunate events outside of our control, we will be reimbursing these eight guests for their travel costs from Banjur, Gambia to Dakar, Senegal. We remain in communication with the guests and are providing additional information as it becomes available.”

The Campbells, from South Carolina, were the only people to have their bank cards and more than a few dollars on them. They said they have spent $7500 on accommodation and food for their fellow castaways.

They explained they were late to the cruise because there was an issue on their private tour.

“They [tour] were like: ‘No problem, we can get you back within an hour,’” Mr. Campbell, who is a schoolteacher.

The guide contacted the captain to say the group were going to be late . When they got back to port the ship was still anchored just off shore. But staff would not allow the passengers to board.

“The harbour master tried to call the ship, the captain refused the call,” Mr. Campbell told  ABC 4 News South Carolina .

“We sent emails to NCL, the NCL customer service emergency number, they said ‘Well, the only way for us to get in touch with the ship is to send them emails, they’re not responding to our emails.’”

Mr. Campbell said the nation’s coastguard service then put all the passengers on a boat and sailed them out to the cruise ship, but still they were refused permission to board.

He told US broadcaster NBC’s the Today Show on Tuesday that the people of São Tomé and Príncipe had been “very gracious, very hospitable,” and had steered them towards hotels and travel agents.

Nonetheless, he said, it had been a challenging experience, describing it as a “very, very difficult process.”

News.com.au understands the eight guests have now rejoined the cruise in Dakar, Senegal.

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News | Baltimore-bound cruise passengers arrive in Norfolk

NORFOLK — It is safe to say that most of the Carnival Legend cruise passengers did not think their vacation would end this way.

The sun had not yet risen as the cruise ship — which departed Baltimore’s port several days ago — docked at 4 a.m. Sunday at the Half Moon Cruise and Celebration Center. Downtown was quiet, many still asleep or attending a sunrise Easter service, as an impressive fleet of charter buses circled the cruise center. By 6:45 a.m., the ship’s passengers were working on their next phase of travel. For many, that meant a four-hour bus ride back to Baltimore.

Ships typically return to the port from which they leave, but when disaster struck midway through the cruise, staff had to work fast to find a port available to receive vacationers. The solution: Norfolk.

During the trip, officials closed the Port of Baltimore to all incoming and outgoing ship traffic after the Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed early Tuesday morning when it was struck by a container ship. The bridge carrying Interstate 695 collapsed in moments, sending several vehicles into the Patapsco River.

Last week, Carnival Cruise Line announced the ship will operate out of Norfolk, and Royal Caribbean’s Vision of the Seas will do the same. Each ship can carry more than 2,000 people.

Lines of sun-kissed cruise-goers towing suitcases began to form as the sun crested over the horizon, many donning Carnival-themed attire and fresh sunburns.

The weather Sunday morning in the Mermaid City was likely much different than conditions they were enjoying in the Bahamas just days ago. Cab drivers parked alongside buses, waiting on customers, and some spoke to each other about how Sunday was likely to be a money-maker as cruise passengers opted to rent cars or fly back to Baltimore instead of braving the bus ride.

Sandy Crow, of Manassas, and her sister Kathy Grant, stood outside Nauticus, waiting for Crow’s husband to pick them up. Crow said she heard about the bridge collapse from another passenger.

“What a tragedy,” she said.

Crow said she has been to Norfolk before, highlighting the Norfolk Mac and Cheese Festival, and the two had been celebrating a sisters’ trip together over the past week. After finding out about their future arrival in Norfolk, Crow said driving home was the preferred option.

“The captain and the whole crew was so good communicating with us. Within a day, we knew we where were going to be. It was all handled beautifully,” Crow said. “It’s about three hours (to Manassas). It’s better than taking a bus for four or five hours, and then it would be another two hours. My husband just said, ‘I’ll just drive down there.'”

As cruise ships reroute to Nauticus, the Port of Virginia is ready to receive diverted cargo traffic from the Port of Baltimore. The collapsed bridge blocks the only channel in and out of the port on the Patapsco River.  The port will be unable to receive shipping traffic until the channel is cleared , and stands to lose an estimated $15 million per day in economic activity.

Some passengers who spoke to The Virginian-Pilot said they heard the news of the tragedy from the captain, and the crew handled it the best they could. Despite the tragedy, many said the trip was still a good one although it is ending differently than they had originally planned.

For other passengers, the trip does not even end in Baltimore. Jackie Plum and her family took their Spring Break trip out of Baltimore, but they are actually from Michigan.

“When they announced that the the bridge collapsed, I think the cruise ship handled it really well. They made it as stress free as possible,” she said. “We kind of changed our plans at the last minute because so (the reroute) is adding, like, an extra four hours to our drive. Now, we have to go four hours back to Baltimore and then eight hours to Michigan. We were trying to get off the ship as fast as we can, and at the last minute, we decided to rent a car at the airport.”

For the foreseeable future, Norfolk will be welcoming more passengers, including a Royal Caribbean cruise later this week on April 4.

“You know what? Stuff happens,” Crow said. “The only thing I’m upset about is people lost their lives.”

Eliza Noe, [email protected]

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Eight passengers stranded on African island after Norwegian cruise ship left without them

A dream cruise vacation has turned into a nightmare for eight passengers left stranded on the African island of São Tomé and Príncipe after their ship left without them because they were late to return from a private tour.

The tourists — six from the U.S. and two from Australia — were aboard the Norwegian Dawn, a Norwegian cruise line ship , which departed from Cape Town, South Africa, on March 20 for a 21-day voyage up the coast of Africa set to end in Barcelona, Spain, on April 10.

But on Wednesday, the group of eight tourists was late to return to the ship by more than an hour for the all-aboard time of 3 p.m. from a private excursion on the island, which was not organized by the cruise line.

Jay and Jill Campbell of South Carolina were part of the group that was left behind.

They said that their tour’s operator notified the cruise captain that they were going to be late to rejoin the ship and that the local Coast Guard tried to get them on the vessel but that they weren’t allowed to board.

As a result, the couple and the rest of the group have been stranded for days on the island off Nigeria, grappling with language, currency issues and complicated travel to catch up with the ship.

“The lovely people of São Tomé were very gracious, very hospitable. They had reached out as much as they could to help us find hotels,” Jay Campbell said on NBC's "TODAY" show Tuesday morning.

“We were able to get to a tour agency there to arrange flights to the next port of call. ... Very difficult process — you’re dealing with multiple languages, language barriers, you’re dealing with different currencies ... finding someone that even has dollars ... trying to get an agent to understand where we need to get to.

"It’s one of those ‘You can’t get there from here,’" he added.

A Norwegian spokesperson called the incident a “very unfortunate situation” and said, “Guests are responsible for ensuring they return to the ship at the published time.”

The cruise line said that after the guests failed to return, their passports were delivered to local port agents, in line with protocol. The company said it was working with local authorities to understand “the requirements and visas needed for the guests to reboard the ship at the next available port of call.”

On Monday, the guests had made arrangements to rejoin the ship in Banjul, Gambia, but the ship was unable to safely dock there because of “adverse weather conditions” and “tidal restrictions,” Norwegian said. The guests were then contacted and provided with information to rejoin the ship at Dakar, Senegal, on Tuesday. 

Jill Campbell said they traveled through seven countries in 48 hours to arrive in Senegal on Monday night.

But the couple was reconsidering whether they even wanted to return to the cruise.

"We are considering whether or not we are going to board the ship. It is in dock here in Senegal," she said. "We believe there was a basic duty of care that they had forgotten about, so it does concern us."

"After what we witnessed, we truly believe that although there’s a set of rules or policies that the ship may have followed, they followed those rules too rigidly. I believe that they really forgot that they are people working in the hospitality industry and really the safety and well-being of the customers should be their first priority," she added.

Ultimately, the eight passengers did rejoin the cruise before 8:30 a.m. ET Tuesday in Dakar, Senegal, Norwegian told NBC News in an e-mail Tuesday evening, after this story originally published.

Norwegian said the passengers were responsible for making their own travel arrangements to rejoin the ship.

"Despite the series of unfortunate events outside of our control, we will be reimbursing these eight guests for their travel costs from Banjur, Gambia to Dakar, Senegal," a cruise line spokesperson said in a statement. "We remain in communication with the guests and are providing additional information as it becomes available."

A silver lining of the catastrophe was that the Campbells were able to connect with another Norwegian Dawn passenger — Julia Lenkoff, 80 — who was also left on the island, but for a medical reason.

Lenkoff was on a different day tour Wednesday. She had "medically disembarked" from the cruise to seek local treatment on that day, Norwegian said.

Norwegian said that its care team tried to call Lenkoff several times and was unable to reach her and that it worked with its port agent in São Tomé and Príncipe for updates on her health.

The Campbells met Lenkoff and were able to put her in contact with her family in California, who flew her home — a move Lenkoff's daughter said "saved her life."

"She's a world traveler. She travels all the time. So this was going to be one of her bucket list trips, because she's been to 120 countries so far, and she wanted to get to 130," her daughter, Lana Lenkoff Geis, said in an interview that aired Tuesday on "TODAY."

Norwegian said Lenkoff was escorted on a flight to Lisbon, Portugal, then put in the care of airport staff members to continue her journey back to the U.S., where she has safely returned.

Breaking News Reporter

Danube river cruise ship crashed after it was 'suddenly no longer able to maneuver,' 17 passengers injured

• A cruise ship crashed into a concrete wall along the Danube river in Austria on Friday.
• A police statement said the ship "was suddenly no longer able to maneuver."
• Eleven people were treated at the hospital and another six suffered less serious injuries.

A Bulgarian cruise ship carrying over 140 passengers crashed into a concrete wall along the Danube river in Austria.

The incident occurred late on Friday in the northern Austrian town of Aschach an der Donau, local police said Saturday.

Eleven people were injured and taken to hospital as a result of the crash. Six others suffered less serious injuries that did not require hospital treatment.

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The ship had set off from Passau, a German city on the Austrian border. A police statement said that as the ship was leaving a lock chamber further down the river, "the ship was suddenly no longer able to maneuver," and its right bow and left aft crashed into the lock walls.

The second-in-command of the ship, who had been at the helm during the crash, "pressed the emergency switch, whereupon the electronics started up again." He was then able to steer the ship out of the lock.

The ship was later docked at the quay wall and emergency services were notified. The ship was able to continue its journey toward Linz, Austria.

Earlier this week, a container ship crashed into the Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore, collapsing a section of the 1.6-mile-long structure. The bodies of two construction workers were found after the collision, and four more workers are missing and presumed dead.

Citing the container ship's recovered data recorder, officials said the power went out on the Dali for just one minute and three seconds as it approached the bridge, Sky News reported, but that was enough for the collision to become unavoidable.

In 2019, a cruise boat hit and sank a smaller boat near Budapest, Hungary, killing 25 South Korean tourists and two crew members. The captain was sentenced to five years in prison for his role in the accident.

The Danube is the second-largest river in Europe, flowing from the Black Forest in Germany south into the Black Sea near Romania and Ukraine.

Correction: April 1, 2024 — An earlier version of this story misstated the year of the Danube ship crash in Hungary. It was in 2019, not 2023.

Watch: One of Europe's deadliest shipwrecks leaves hundreds missing

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Norwegian Cruise captain refused to let eight passengers who were late reboard ship

Passengers, who have since rejoined vessel, missed scheduled departure time from São Tomé and scrambled to reunite with ship

Eight cruise passengers had to scramble to reunite with their cruise ship after being left behind in São Tomé and Príncipe.

The passengers, including a pregnant woman and a paraplegic traveller, missed their scheduled departure time from the island of São Tomé in the Gulf of Guinea, about 250km off the coast of Gabon, after disembarking the Norwegian Dawn to take a local tour.

Another passenger in her 80s was reportedly late to the ship because she was receiving emergency medical treatment on the island.

The vessel, operated by Norwegian Cruise Lines, arrived in São Tome on Wednesday morning having departed Cape Town for the three-week cruise to Barcelona on 20 March.

The group’s private day excursions on the island ran overtime and, despite the efforts of the local coast guard, which motored the group to the ship before it set sail that afternoon, the captain would not allow the late guests to board.

Jill and Jay Campbell, from Garden City in South Carolina, described attempting to board the vessel after arriving late.

“We have never had an experience like this before,” Jill Campbell told ABC4 News .

“The harbour master tried to call the ship, the captain refused the call. We sent emails to NCL, the NCL customer service emergency number. They said, ‘Well, the only way for us to get in touch with the ship is to send them emails, they’re not responding to our emails,’” Jay Campbell added.

“The captain could have made an easy decision to turn one of the tender boats back, pick us up, safely load us, and then go on the way.”

The travellers’ passports were returned to them via port authorities. The group, which reportedly includes two Australians, had to leave their medication, bank cards and other belongings on board. The Campbells said they were the only members of the group with a Visa card and had paid more than $5,000 in their attempts to reach the ship.

They aimed to reboard the Norwegian Dawn in the Gambia the following Sunday but low tides prevented the ship from making the scheduled stop. The group reportedly travelled through six countries and eventually met the ship in Dakar, Senegal, the final west African port call of its journey, according to the cruise line.

“What we looked at was some type of van transportation for eight people, the quadriplegic woman included,” Jay Campbell told ABC15 . He described having to take a ferry to get into Senegal, and then a four-hour drive.

Australians Doug and Violeta Sanders were among the stranded passengers.

“It’s been the worst experience of our lives to be abandoned like that in a strange country, can’t speak the language,” Violeta Sanders told Seven’s Sunrise program.

“We have no money, our credit cards aren’t accepted.”

The 21-day cruise is due to end in Barcelona on 10 April.

A spokesperson for Norwegian Cruise Lines said it was a “very unfortunate situation” and that it was the passenger’s responsibility to be back on board the ship no later than one hour before the ship’s scheduled departure time.

A Sydney travel lawyer, Anthony Cordato, said passengers needed to heed ships’ tight schedules.

“Terms and conditions would make returning to the ship on time essential,” he said.

“From a consumer’s perspective, it’s harsh but from a ship’s perspective, are you going to hold up the cruise for an hour or two because they were slow to get on board? Are you going to inconvenience 1,000 passengers for the sake of four?”

The cruise company said all eight guests had rejoined the ship.

In a statement, a spokesperson said: “On the afternoon of March 27, 2024, while the ship was in São Tomé and Príncipe, an African island nation, eight guests who were on the island on a private tour not organized through us missed the last tender back to the vessel, therefore not meeting the all aboard time of 3pm local time. While this is a very unfortunate situation, guests are responsible for ensuring they return to the ship at the published time, which is communicated broadly over the ship’s intercom, in the daily print communication and posted just before exiting the vessel.

“When the guests did not return to the vessel at the all aboard time, their passports were delivered to the local port agents to retrieve when they returned to the port, as per the regular protocol. Our team has been working closely with the local authorities to understand the requirements and necessary visas needed for the guests to rejoin the ship at the next available port of call. Given that these guests were on a private tour and did not return to the ship at the communicated all aboard time, they are responsible for any necessary travel arrangements to rejoin the ship at the next available port of call, per our protocol.

“While the eight guests made arrangements to rejoin the ship in Banjul, Gambia on April 1, 2024, unfortunately the ship was unable to safely dock in the destination due to adverse weather conditions, as well as tidal restrictions that require specific timing for safe passage. While we share in our guests’ disappointment, this modification was made with great consideration for their safety and that of our crew, which is our top priority. We contacted these eight guests regarding this itinerary adjustment and provided them with authorization to rejoin the ship at Dakar, Senegal on April 2, 2024.

“Despite the series of unfortunate events outside of our control, we will be reimbursing these eight guests for their travel costs from Banjur, Gambia to Dakar, Senegal. As of this morning, all eight guests have rejoined the ship.”

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Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optical nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

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The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.